Rose Thorne(She/Her)

Wait, Hollywood?

You mean I didn’t have to duel my girlfriend on a high mountaintop and then spend a month surviving together after our allies abandoned us? Like, we thought that’s how you start dating.

Fuck.

An unfrosted Double Dutch, at that.

That is an offense in itself. You’re making it that large, toss on the fudge or Dutch chocolate icing with it.

I’ve reached the point that I adopt the same attitude back. Like, genuinely told myself “No, fuck these thoughts, we ain’t having this shit tonight”, into just kinda almost meditating myself to sleep.

Probably not a healthy coping mechanism, but it works?

Y’know what? Fuck yes. I would devour that in a fucking night. That is the kind of glorious trash I go possom over. The Duke and every Nazis nightmare taking on fascist aliens, dropping one-liners and big guns.

Fuck even trying to have a plot. That would work so amazingly well as a monster of the week. Have B.J call out Duke on his shit as someone who can actually go toe to toe with that overinflated ego.

That’d work…

In a very strange reboot of Johnny Bravo, who was a much more positive parody of characters like Duke Nukem. Duke is written as the stereotype who’d bag 'em, tag 'em, and jet to the next bed.

And Duke has kinda proven that. 3D has had multiple ports, some better than others, but barely anyone talks about the 2D GBA titles, and Forever will forever be a rotting flop.

The last big commercial success was at an end of an era, at best becoming an archaic parody of a branch of the industry no longer really made, at worst an uncomfortable artifact of a bygone era of entertainment.

I really need to just sit down and watch that. I keep seeing either “It’s insane, but absolutely great” or “It’s absolute dogshit”, and that’s the kinda shit I normally dig.

If they can turn something out with Duke that feels like Duke, I’m down, I’ll support it. He just feels like the most out of left field character to bring back, especially as something outside of a game.

A movie from '93. Which, I believe, influenced what is probably the most recognizable Duke outing, Duke 3D.

That’s kinda part of the point I’m making. Duke is a product of that time, of shallow action flicks with beefy dudes and solid one-liners, often with a little sexism tossed in for spice.

I’d argue both DMC and Castlevania has more depth than Duke. While DMC can be summed down to “Cocky man kicks ass”, there’s been greater depths explored with a lot of the cast. Not an ocean, of course, but there’s more to the characters than mere face value.

Castlevania has a wide cast of characters who, while not always presented in the most complex manner, have implied histories and personalities that can be built upon. There’s enough skeleton to support some good muscle.

Duke has the depth of a petri dish. He’s the embodiment of “What You See Is What You Get”.

Like I said elsewhere, a single movie in his peak, or a low budget tongue-in-cheek throwback, I could get behind.

I just don’t see the potential of a Duke series, or even a film getting beyond cult classic status among a select few.

In the actual time of Duke’s peak, absolutely. Hell, with a clever writer and director team, I would support a low-budget tongue-in-cheek flick.

But Duke is heavily a product of the times. I just can’t see a full take that wouldn’t rip out what makes him iconic, but equally terrible, as a character.

I have wanted to see him interact with Sal in some capacity for the longest time. I feel like there could be at least some “a better you” gags on Duke.

As someone who has a giant soft spot in her heart for Duke, what story is there to tell?

Duke Nukem is a simple man. He’s here to fuck up alien bastards(for taking the babes, crashing his ride, generally existing), save attractive women, and maybe remember to pick up that pack of gum on his way home.

He’s not really even a “character”, he’s a walking embodiment of 80s and 90s machismo with big guns and less plot than the typical comic book of the time. He’s a machine built for one-liners. He’s a never-ending thoughtless action flick you love because it takes so little actual thought to enjoy.

I got caught in-between. While I am now aligned with the opposite gender, I equally have days where I identify as completely without gender.

It might have also come with a change of species? Or they’re just narcissistic, because I’m Genderfae. I will admit, on the genderless blob androgynous days, I do have insatiable cravings for honeyed milk and bread, and begin planning on how to swap any children I see with one of our own…

I don’t think I can go more insane without jumping into super-sanity, so I’m down.

What do I get for letting you in? Word it in a clear, even trade.

I ain’t owing a Fae shit, they already took my gender for a slice of delicious cake.

Sometimes art, no matter what it is, takes a frame of mind or a certain delivery to really hit us. Even a small change, like mood, can cause a different little take.

It can be worth giving things that didn’t click with a younger you a second try, you might find you like it, you might find you still don’t, but maybe you’ll understand why better than before.