I’m a 54-year-old man, recently separated from my wife of 31 years - just earlier this month. Honestly, I’m already feeling bored and lonely, so I’ve been considering trying out dating apps (I’ve never used one before). However, my sons (30 and 28) tell me it’s a waste of time and possibly even a scam, and I’ve seen similar opinions online. So I’m not sure what to think.
Honestly, I think they’re worse than people say. There might be the odd good news story to come out of them, but they are designed to get you to fork out cash, and stay around and keep forking out cash, so their whole goal is to feed you hope, without ever causing you to be successful enough to leave.
You may be better off joining a club/group activity around a common interest. That way, even if you don’t meet anyone, you have something to do that isn’t soul-destroying.
Many people go to clubs and meetups to do the thing the club is about. If you go to the bike riding club or bird watching club looking for dates, people are going to pick up on that and probably react unfavorably.
If you go just to do the thing, that’s fine, but you could do that for years without ever finding a date.
I wouldn’t recommend this as a primary means of finding a partner.
I’ve already got my hobbies and activities. It’s not new friends that I’m missing.
I believe the point was to meet someone through those hobbies / activities vs using the dating apps.
I know. I just prefer not to involve romantic or sexual dynamics in those circles.
The other option in the other direction is to join a swingers’ club or similar and keep it purely sexual, though leave open the possibility that something more may come of it.
Then, what? You want a GF to lock her emotionally away from the rest of your life? Wouldn’t it be nice to share a hobby or personal interest with someone you are romantically and sexually involved in, too?
You want a GF to lock her emotionally away from the rest of your life?
Wow, that was a huge leap there. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to seek an intimate relationship with someone in your established circles. Like dating someone at work, this can come with significant social risk.
Not a leap. I’m basing my comment on the replies from OP that said that he is probably gonna divorce his wife — gigantic red flag, looking for dating advice not having being done with the previous relationship, but maybe that’s just me — because they were highly independent, drifted apart and wife leaving wasn’t even a lifestyle changing event. Maybe OP wouldn’t be divorcing if he considered women as something other than a source of romantic and sexual exchange separate from company, friendship and sharing a lifestyle. I’m just saying, OP sounds very sus.
Uhh… I think we might be reading different posts? OP has stated he’s already separated from his wife, not that he’s considering doing so. Also the thing about romantic/sexual exchange thing seems unlikely to me from what’s been said; men who think like that tend to not stay in one relationship for 3 decades.
Actually insane moderation to leave this absolute bullshit up while removing my comment lol
Removed by mod
Wouldn’t it be nice to share a hobby or personal interest with someone you are romantically and sexually involved in, too?
I’ve had a lot of different hobbies over the past ~ 10 years, some for a shorter and some for a longer time. Not once has that resulted in a genuine romantic connection. Not even a date.
On the other hand, I have had a lot of success finding romantic partners both on dating apps and in bars. All of the partners I’ve found that way have been at least somewhat likeminded and I’ve shared interests and hobbies with them. On an app, you see the person’s interests in the profile, in a bar you can talk to them and find out whether you have something in common.
Maybe it’s against the etiquette to seek out romantic partners at hobby events around here (a nordic country). Maybe I just personally don’t like doing that. Either way, I totally understand if somebody wants to date in spaces that specifically cater to that.
Not the issue here. It seems like OP wants a sexual toy for intimacy. Definitely don’t go looking for that type of relationship in friend and hobby spaces. But most of my friend’s relationships came out of friendships built on said social circles. My longest relationship ever (now ended for other reasons) came from a videogaming club, a friend of a friend.
I have no interest discussing in your extrapolations of OP’s motivations and behavior
Keep in mind that these apps are run for profit, by corporations. You meeting someone suitable and leaving the app, means less revenue for them.
So they can be fun to mess around for a while, but unless you’re extremely lucky, don’t expect long lasting relationships from them.Incentives: you find a girlfriend the app lose a customer. They are not optimized for you finding a girlfriend.
Gender imbalance: there are about 3* guys for every girl. There is very little leftovers for you as an average guy. *Very crude counting from me 5 years ago.
Sure you may find one and it’s relatively low effort. Don’t get your hopes up.
Funny anecdote: I’ve had more luck getting dates from World of Warcraft.
Funny anecdote: I’ve had more luck getting dates from World of Warcraft.
Because common interest, and engagement without an agenda.
Funny anecdote: I’ve had more luck getting dates from World of Warcraft.
Same here lmao
That said I’ve never used other dating apps than wow.exe
I met my fiance on Team Fortress 2, so I can back up your anecdote that video games are better for dating than dating apps lol
They absolutely do work, and I can’t recommend them enough - this is coming from a male mid-40s divorcee. I was on and off Tinder for 4 years looking for a relationship and met several women, before finally meeting my soul mate. For somebody like me who isn’t the most outgoing person, they were a godsend in terms of meeting people. Some of the negativity in these responses is wild.
They’re a relaxed, accessible mechanism for starting conversations. Yes, there’s incentive for the companies to keep you on the apps but it’s certainly not forced, because if they didn’t ever work, their incentive for use evaporates.
I am 100% of the opinion that people who have limited luck on dating apps are likely to have the same limited luck in real life. It’s just that the apps present you with multiple “opportunities” in succession that you don’t get in real life, so it could feel like constant rejection for some. If you match with a real person and start a conversation that goes nowhere, that’s down to yours or their communication, or a simple incompatibility. Both parties have already shown an interest at the point of matching. Where it goes from there is down to you.
It’s entirely a numbers game. You can’t expect to hit it off with every person you match with online, any more than you could in real life. But you will find someone that you otherwise wouldn’t get the chance to meet through other circumstances.
A lot of young people don’t realize just how difficult post-school dating was before online dating. Once we exhausted the pool of 5-10 single people who were friends of friends, that was basically it. We’d have to go find strangers at the bar.
That conditioned everyone to be slightly more willing to settle for less perfect matches, knowing that there wasn’t necessarily a replacement available. That could be a good thing (people more likely to have the patience to let a spark develop) or a bad thing (a higher percentage of couples who just resented each other).
I can see an argument that things were better before online dating for some subset of people. But having lived that period, I can say from experience that it wasn’t easy then, either. And for someone like me, who is a better writer than I am a speaker, especially over the phone, the rise of text-based communication was helpful for navigating the early stages of relationships when that became the norm.
The free tier will let you swipe x times per day.
Of the 10,000 matches in your area, 1000 might be real humans.
So, it ends up feeling like a waste of time for any guy that doesn’t get their profile pics taken by a professional. The odds of your iPhone pics standing out are slim unless you’re rocking a speedo packing a hog, ridiculously muscular, or apparently holding a fish? That can’t be working…
It ends up feeling like a waste of time.
The main problem is that some younger people don’t even know that dating apps weren’t always that ass. When tinder was new-ish you got unlimited likes and like 5 super likes a week or something. There were hardly any bots. Even with my lazily taken photos i would get a bunch of matches, meet someone, delete it, rinse and repeat.
When i use tinder now i get maybe 3 matches a month and at least two of them are bots.
I’m certain that tinder straight up doesn’t show your profile around if you are male presenting and don’t pay.
I have a female friend who also had tinder and we did a test. I set mine in men looking for women, free account both of us. I got her profile pretty soon, she never got my profile as an option.
E expected something like that too. There are also so many many many more men on tinder than women, so the odds are higher as well. I assume that’s also the reason why i (small town-ish) keep seeing the same people. Because they just run out. Sure some make new accounts, but i don’t think at that rate with exactly the same photos and bio.
The odds of your iPhone pics standing out are slim unless you’re rocking a speedo packing a hog, ridiculously muscular, or apparently holding a fish?
From my experience; that’s not what women are looking for. At least, not the ones I ended up matching & later talking about the dating app experience; but then I matched without any of those types of photos… so there’s selection bias in my sample. I did encounter a number of women mentioning the ubiquitous “fish pic” and though it was strange. I guess if you like fishing as a hobby that’s fine; but I don’t notice that many single men when I’m fishing. As a response I would send them a selfie holding up my kids’ “fish” bath toys and that always got a laugh :)
I met some nice people, but had better luck just meeting people naturally in my 20s. I think the reason why dating apps didn’t work is that it’s kinda like job apps online, where there’s just waves of people, and everyone is just kinda putting their resume on their profile. Hard to stand out and meet “real” people among bots/hidden likes/ app design/bad matches.
Usually these companies make money by having users churn through loads of bad matches and then continually pay for premium.
I’d recommend joining a club IRL or volunteering, it might be a more organic fit. Friends -> dating can come naturally out of that.
It can be rough on your head (emotions, ego, attitude). I went to Match at 67, felt a little like back at Jr. High. Announced I’d give up twice, but arter a bit looked back again. My last “what the hell, one more” connection was with my now partner and I’m glad I stayed with it. I don’t know how much was luck. We’ve been together 4 years, sold our houses, bought one together.
Your sons are speaking from their experience, which may not be the same as yours.
As someone else stated, they are indeed worse than people say. The has been massive consolidation in the industry, to the point where nearly every app is owned by the same company. And that company has been caught, multiple times, catfishing their own users with bots that then ghost them.
The company is pure Chicago School economics; they don’t care about their users or product, just extracting money from people. Generally, this is men (though not always) as the culture cultivated in the apps is pretty shallow and messed up.
Overall, it’s a much better time to engage in some sort of social hobby of the like. Success rate will likely be higher and the experience less depressing.
Enough has been said about the dating apps, so I feel it’s OK to remark on something else:
separated from my wife of 31 years - just earlier this month. Honestly, I’m already feeling bored and lonely
Can you provide some more context here? On the face of it it makes you sound like being dependent on a woman to keep you company. Sorry if I misinterprete that. But shouldn’t you be rather busy with other things now - idk, moving, settling in, changing your life alround, finding new friends, recovering from the separation…
FWIW, my (now) 52yo brother and his wife found each other through a dating site/app almost 10 years ago. They seem to be doing well.
My wife and I have always been independent in our marriage. Our separation was simply a long, honest conversation followed by her moving into her own place. We’ll probably divorce at some point, but it’s not a priority for either of us. Lifestyle-wise, nothing has really changed for me. I’m not lacking company - just sexual and romantic companionship specifically.
Trying to think outside the box here, but maybe if she feels the same (and it sounds like you were both pretty mature about all this) you could join the local swinging scene together? Better and easier as a couple than as a single male.
Just be aware that in many areas if you aren’t divorced then sleeping with someone else is called infidelity. Judges tend to get pissed about that during divorce proceedings.
They used to be better. I had a lot of success when they were relatively new. However the culture around them has gotten worse and more toxic, and the companies have grown more abusive of customers. Just what I gather… I haven’t tried since 2019.
Tinder was okay for meeting people interested in actual relationships when it was newer. It seemed to turn into more of purely a shallow hookup site. I tried Bumble, and that worked, though it apparently is not as good as it used to be. Never tried Hinge or any of the others.
Thinking more about psychology helped me have success on the apps. Don’t be boring, start real conversations. I got some very good advice once from a friend, which was “if a girl is on tinder, she’s horny”. I was… oh. That makes sense. It helped me be less nervous. You could also say lonely or bored. In my experience it’s not hard to figure out if someone is after the same things as you are. I’ve never used them to just hookup, only find steady girlfriends. I did find some situations more like hookups, casual GFs or FWB though. A few dates fizzled. I’ve gotten together with about 15 women I met on Tinder/Bumble and 6 of them turned into steady relationships. I can’t say they were the most sane people I’ve ever met.
I met my wife on a dating app in 2019 on Bumble (28 at the time). It can work, but you have to be willing to sift through a lot of bullshit and be patient. You also need to be able to handle rejection and mistreatment (like getting stood up/ghosted). It’s ultimately a numbers game and it takes time to find someone that is actually right for you.
I expect it’s probably also not nearly as bad for older age groups. At your age, I think people are going to be a lot more likely to be direct and know what they want.
My advice is to try it out. Worst case, you decide it’s not for you and try something else.
A lot of negative comments. I went through a divorce last year (male, mid 40s), and used dating apps when I was ready to start meeting people. I was apprehensive going in but ended up shocked by how positive the results were. After a week or two I would have several matches and pause searching while I talked with those and planned in-person meetings. Most profiles you’ll never get a reply. Of those you match again, half likely never respond to initial introductions / questions. But, if you live in a major metro area there’s still plenty of people looking for relationships if you’re willing to filter through that. I’m now happily in a relationship for the past few months so I’ve stopped using these apps.
I tried 3: eHarmony, hinge, and bumble. Here’s my feedback from best to worse.
Hinge: encourages discussion as an initial match prompt. I met the most people on this app and many matches led to in person dates. Met the person I’m currently dating seriously on here.
Bumble: costs money to send a comment / question, free to “just swipe”. Kept showing me profiles for people currently within my search distance, but who have listed another major city as their home (I guess they’re connecting through the airport and on the app?). Went on multiple dates with matches, fewer than hinge.
eHarmony: where I originally met my previous wife ~20 years ago. Now had the fewest matches and worst experience (and highest cost). I stopped checking this one after about a month. Went on only 1 date.
Feedback from my matches about the app: many men are using it to find people to cheat with / aren’t serious about a relationship. All of them told me actually holding a conversation on the app put me in the “top tier” of their matches. Many shared that matches just gave super short answers then asked for a phone number. Several noted that half the time they shared a number they almost immediately received dick pics. Multiple said matches tried to get them into crypto (?!?!).
For me (busy work schedule, and still spend half my time with kids) the experience was far better than any dates friends or co workers suggested. The profiles are not super deep… Yes everyone loves live music, travel, and The Office. I wanted to connect over something more specific than that. At least the people you match with are also looking for a relationship. Meeting people through my hobbies at 40+ most are in long term relationships or not interested in starting one. The apps are largely superficial… Half the first dates I went on one or both of us decided not to have a second date. Which is honestly expected… Even after filtering through the profiles and messaging in app you still only know the basics for most people.
For you specifically: many matches took issue with the recent timing of my divorce. If you’re separated (not divorced) expect that to be a deal breaker for many.
I used bumble and found my now wife. My advice is to do it like a background task while you are also doing other things, so you’re not desperate you can evaluate people there better.
