I cannot do a damn thing. Be it easy, be it hard, be it rewarding, be it just pure pleasure. I cannot enjoy a thing thinking it is just waste of time. I cannot carry myself to do a hard task thinking about the high effort it requires. Even if I break it into small parts, I would only do the bare minimum for a day or two and stop it.
My entire life is being passed away coming back tired, hungry and yearning for sleep, from a job I dislike to the core.
I am not moving towards my goals. I cannot quit this job. Time is passing. I’m stuck. Weekends cometh, I use them all trying to catch up on sleep.
Every week I’m doing just the bare minimum to survive thinking I might do something on the weekend and I don’t. How do I break out this cycle? There’s a lot more I could unwind upon but this post is already long enough.
Argh
Seconding the first comment here: I have ADHD and your description sounds very familiar to me. I am able to use alarms to motivate myself to get up and do some things, but it is definitely not 100% and many alarms are skipped. Another thing that helped me was learning to tell myself it’s ok; it’s to take a break, even a long break, even many long breaks - and it’s ok to not do things that were planned. Being nice to me really helped reshape my understanding of achievement. It never gets easier, but learning how to deal with it definitely changed it from daily dread to enjoying life.
Thirding this; sounds a lot like ADHD (executive dysfunction). ADHD is commonly comorbid with depression and anxiety.
Very easy to be mad at yourself for not doing something, then mad at yourself when you do do something and it takes less time/energy than you psyched yourself up for, and just staying angry at yourself.