I honestly don’t see an issue with the first one. She may just not have been in a good place mentally to respond. But I also don’t feel like your message absolutely warranted a response. It would have been the polite thing for her to do but if she’s struggling then I think it’d reasonable to be content that you shared some positivity / support, which she likely read and appreciated. Is this friend closer to you or your wife?

The second situation sounds like an absolute shit show and its probably to your benefit he didn’t engage lol. Honestly I get where he’s coming from though. You’re absolutely right about our broken concept of masculinity. Ever since humans moved from hunter gatherers (mobile) to agrarian and industrial (sedentary) with the ability to produce surplus, masculinity has been defined by productivity and controlling capital with emotional labor seen as a distraction or weakness. I despise the dominant worldview towards masculinity.

But, you basically made it obvious to him that their ‘dirty laundry’ was being aired out. That’s bound to not be received well.