SOURCE - https://brightwanderer.tumblr.com/post/681806049845608448
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I think a lot about how we as a culture have turned âforeverâ into the only acceptable definition of success.
Like⊠if you open a coffee shop and run it for a while and it makes you happy but then stuff gets too expensive and stressful and you want to do something else so you close it, itâs a âfailedâ business. If you write a book or two, then decide that you donât actually want to keep doing that, youâre a âfailedâ writer. If you marry someone, and that marriage is good for a while, and then stops working and you get divorced, itâs a âfailedâ marriage.
The only acceptable âwin conditionâ is âyou keep doing that thing foreverâ. A friendship that lasts for a few years but then its time is done and you move on is considered less valuable or not a ârealâ friendship. A hobby that you do for a while and then are done with is a âphaseâ - or, alternatively, a âpityâ that you donât do that thing any more. A fandom is âdyingâ because people have had a lot of fun with it but are now moving on to other things.
| just think that something can be good, and also end, and that thing was still good. And itâs okay to be sad that it ended, too. But the idea that anything that ends is automatically less than this hypothetical eternal state of success⊠I donât think thatâs doing us any good at all.
I think it definitely applies to relationships. It does you and any of your partners a disservice to say your relationship was only a success if one of you died.
A person isnât a thing you possess. They have needs that grow and change with them. If those needs ever stop being compatible with the relationship, then the relationship should end. Thatâs not failure. Itâs wanting the person you love to be happy.
Marriage is not just another relationship. Itâs literally defined by people deciding, and vowing to stay together forever.
But realistically, we all know you can get divorced. While we might hope itâll be forever, we also know weâre still not gonna stick around if things get too bad (nor should we). Nobody has the shocked pikachu face when marriage isnât forever after all. No matter what the vows say, in practice we pretty well accept that itâs a big commitment, but not a permanent one.
How about this: things are allowed to fail and thatâs OK.
If you marry someone with the intent of staying together for the rest of your lives but you donât, the marriage failed. It doesnât have to define you.
Itâs also okay to fail. I agree with that as well. I just wonât see a relationship - marriage or not - as a failure if it brought two people happiness for a while until they amicably decide to end it. Itâs only a failure when it makes them miserable or when they end it by needlessly hurting the other person. But⊠thatâs still okay if they can at least see what they did wrong and learn from it. We all make mistakes.
It just depends on your definition of failure. Did the marriage fail to make people happy? Not necessarily. Did the marriage fail in its stated aim to bind two people forever? Yes definitely.
I personally think a divorce is usually a failed marriage (unless the marriage was specifically intended to be limited time) but I donât think that failure is always a bad thing.
For me it comes down to how you use language. Mental health is important to me and I recognize the power of words, so I care more about the impact of language use. No matter how much you reassure people that itâs okay to fail, failing still feels bad. It makes people feel like ⊠a failure. That seems counterproductive and unnecessary to me. Why make people feel bad when they did nothing wrong?
You can specify exactly how and why itâs a failure if you want, and youâre not technically wrong. Iâm just not principally concerned with being technically correct in the first place. Iâm reframing the standard narrative because I hate to see it go unchallenged. So for anyone whoâs hurting and reads this and feels like shit, this time Iâll be the one to say something.
Then I guess you, like me, dislike the concept of marriage. Because the whole point is forever. The forever part is not even what I hold against it though. Some people can and want to be together forever. Feeling forced to be by culture is a bad thing though.
I see it mostly as a legal contract and legal status, but with a lot of extra baggage heaped on top. Itâs an overloaded concept that tries to cover too many things at once, making them all suffer. Separate out the legal business and youâd lose the need for an explicit declaration that this union is to exist in perpetuity until cancelled by either party. Sure sounds full of romance when stated that way, doesnât it?
And regardless of how you look at it, the idea is that itâs for life, from the ground up. I could go into how itâs rooted in other horrible things but yeah, the romance is retrofitted to get people to accept it. And itâs worked.
As you get older, you may realize âforeverâ isnât actually forever. Its just for the few decades you have left on this planet in this existence. If you find someone that you like being around, they like being around you, and youâre both willing to put up with each otherâs faults and shortcomings, then marriage can be a really good path forward.
When we age, our looks go, our health, and many times our minds too. Having someone that cares about you and has your back through all of that, is a wonderful thing as you will have their back too. You still see them as beautiful as you did when they were younger, and they see you the same way. You look past each otherâs graying (or missing) hair, to lack of physique, the lines in your faces, the extra weight you carry in strange places, and eventually the loss of mobility youâll have and they still want to be around you. You still want to be around them.
Old age frequently brings loneliness too. When youâre not forced to work a job with people anymore, it takes effort to maintain social relationships with other people. When you have your mate, you always have that company irrespective of other social connections (or lack of).
Finally if your partner dies before you, I think it will give you something to look forward to in your own eventual death. You know youâll be at the same place as your mate, wherever or whatever that is. If there is something after, theyâll be there waiting for you. If there is nothing, you get to be nothing together. Life is really tough if youâre going it alone. A mate can shave off those sharp corners and make even the most unpleasant times bearable.
If you find someone like this, I encourage you to grab on and hold them tight. If you donât, life will move them along and youâll be left with just yourself against a cold and uncaring world.
Thatâs all well and good, but you absolutely donât need marriage to stay together forever.
The point was that the concept shames you into it. Another option is just to stay together because you want to. Seems more meaningful to me that way anyhow.
Thatâs what I strive for in any relationship: staying together purely because we choose to. I donât want someone to stay with me for any other reason, and I want my partner to know that I choose them. Not out of obligation or necessity, but because I truly want them close to me. Itâs simple but meaningful.