I’ve lost on all fronts and I don’t know how to get back. I’ve been beat down too many times.
We all feel that way, you have the power of yourself. We all have the power to reach deep in ourselves to pull out our love at any time, no matter how much it hurts, it is absolutely worth it. Let the past go, take only love with you.
That’s nice. How? My head is a nonstop flood of bad thoughts and pain.
You arent alone there are so many just like you, and I. The power to overcome is within you, not from outside. While you might not find people to agree with how you feel face-to-face it doesnt mean that your feelings arent valid, it just means that the people around you, as few as there are dont represent everyone. Therapy worked for me a little, religion didnt at all, I would spend my time drinking or otherwise inebriated. Finding my own peace was the only way to come to grips with my reality. Youll have to use this energy to do something else, redirect it to art, writing, walking, working out whatever you capable of doing. When I find myself in the old loop of pain and self-doubt, I try to refocus, look at something else, do something else, its my power to override feelings I dont want, accept them, and find your own peace inside.
What if I don’t even see a reason to? To be absolutely transparent, not being around feels like the only true remedy. I’ve tried the gym, I went every single day. I’ve tried dating apps to meet people and I just give up immediately because I feel worthless. I’ve tried to be healthier, eat better, take my meds and supplements and all that. I’ve tried to get back into what I used to enjoy doing but I just sit in front of my computer with no energy or motivation to do anything. I’ve tried being more active outside. I’ve tried a lot. Nothing changes. I can never escape the thoughts for longer than 5 minutes at a time about everyone and everything I’ve lost and the people who have hurt me for their own selfish pleasures and the failure in life I feel like.
I’m exhausted, friend.
For what it’s worth I understand how you’re feeling, and those feelings are valid. No need to answer an internet stranger, but why is it that you feel worthless? For me I think it’s because I care too much about what other people, that I can have value unless someone else sees that value and acts on it. I’ve been trying to focus on that, and say the things to myself that I wish others would. It didn’t work at first, but I’ve noticed my self worth increasing ever so slightly the more I do it. So if I could offer some unsolicited advice, try to figure out why you feel the way you do. Without that you can’t start making meaningful changes.
From another exhausted person to another.
Because I invested my entire being into someone else for over a decade who betrayed me on very deep levels for someone her entire family dislikes and is ashamed of her for, that’s almost 20 years older than her, that’s illiterate and visually the opposite of me in every possible way (he’s obese, I’m fit, he’s black, I’m white, he’s nearly 50, I’m 34 (she’s 29), he’s got dirty looking dreads and wears rap themed tshirts you would find at Walmart or wife beaters, I dress in clean clothes that actually fit me and do my hair, everyone that’s met him says I’m better looking, etc). The key takeaway being the first part of that though; that I put my everything into her and abandoned everything about myself over ten years to have it all thrown in the trash.
So I’m having to move out from the home we’ve shared forever, losing 3 dogs and two cats. The wild thing is that her family loves me so much that they just cosigned and dropped 10k to get me my first home. Which TBH as much as it is a lot of things, one thing it for sure is is terrifying me, I’m so scared I will fall behind or not even make enough to cover all the bills to begin with.
That’s rough. Please keep your thoughts on yourself and not compare yourself that might be where a lot of the negativity comes from. Literally every thing you just said proves how good a of a human beeing you are. Maybe focus on how much her family is willing to support you because even if she did make a choice, they still consider you a valuable human beeing.
About eight months ago I was in a similar place, not quite the same but similar. I ended up getting an online shrink and getting on some SSRIs. Im off them now, but still doing therapy. I feel so much more energy, so much more hope, i started crafting again! And having plans for the future! Sometimes our brain needs a little reset, or chemical kick up the bum. Ssris dont have to be a permanent solution they can just help with the reset if you want
If you’re already on ssris change the type or the dose. You can also change your dr.
Side story: it took me a long time to even get to the stage where I was able to admit I was struggling, and when I did I thought obviously prescribed amphetamines were the answer so I reached out to a adhd friend to get her Dr’s info. I had the initial consultation with him and he said I had unresolved trauma and depression advised me to seek a therapist and put me on Lexapro. I always get psychiatrist and psychologist mixed up, so I made an appointment for another drug Dr thinking she was a talk therapist. She listened to me and advised I take an as needed anti-anxiety drug (proponolol) and the ssri effexor. (Later she also prescribed me remeron for libido/orgasm side effects of effexor). I then went into marriage counseling and the first session the marriage counselor suggested she and I have one on ones. I say all this to say: you are allowed more than one dr, more than one drug and multiple types of help. I am now on no drugs, but am keeping up the therapy, single and marriage. I feel 1000× better and my journey, though still ongoing, seems accomplishable.
TLDR: you can have more than one doctor
My doctor is a saint. I’m on Wellbutrin and Buspar, which had been extremely helpful up until my life got flipped turned upside down. She would happily try me on anything I asked her for but I’m just not sure that’s the right thing to do right now.
See my other reply on what happened.
Eeeeeeep, yeah that’s super rough. Im sorry this person ended up being such garbage. I would recommend a chat with your dr, especially if your feelings persist. Im glad her family helped you out ❤️ and keep active for more good things to come. Sometimes the trash takes itself out, and her absence will create a space for more good to come into your life. Im so sorry she didn’t turn out to be the person you thought she was, but please be optimistic for the future. Even though right now it seems impossible
Delightful mayhem from a 6(?) year old
This is beautiful, much appreciated
Thank you, I needed this
