TouchMacaque

My great grandmother’s Danish step aunt used to buy sticks of RAM for her husband every Valentine’s Day, she would ram them into his ass but they would just break and it was a total waste of money. Five years ago she passed away because she didn’t know you’re supposed to huff jenkem and drank the bottle, they held the funeral at an Arby’s in Texas and placed bottles of jenkem all over the place and the staff were pretty upset. Thankfully it’s Arby’s so there weren’t any other customers.

Not necessarily, have you ever tried to eat a fleshlight? Doesn’t work. Have you ever tried to eat a rotisserie chicken? Delicious. Who cares if it’s filled with the cum of my past 6 ejaculations. Plus you can make some tasty broth with the bones after.

Oh and one more thing, why is a rotisserie chicken ten dollars at the grocery store but the raw uncooked ones are like 14 dollars? Is the discount because I’ve already ejaculated into it 6 times before I even bought it? What a deal!

The baby Sun from Teletubbies all grown up. I bet he likes to drink several beers while giving people sunburns and sings songs to his friends about giving humans skin cancer. Susan probably won’t like me saying this but fuck the sun.

Give me six cigarettes, a can of soup and Limp Bizkit’s discography on repeat and I’ll give you the best screen play you’ve ever read.

My nephews mom sent me one of these on Facebook once and I absolutely lost it because it was the same day that my coworker invited us all for a game of “five beers of defiance” but when we got there she roped us into a game of Russian roulette, except instead of a gun it was a beaker of piss.

She said some guy named Tom was kind enough to provide it and assured us that it was not in fact Tom from MySpace but rather a completely different person named Tom(who knew it was such a common name?).

Anyway we’re all stuck there and the next bus doesn’t come for 3 and a half more hours so we decide we’ll play. Well this coworker failed to tell everyone that she has this disgusting pet turtle who likes to lick the laminate flooring in her living room so everyone’s all pretty disgusted at this point and not really feeling the game of piss beaker roulette. We all wish her a Merry Christmas and a happy birthday and go wait out in the rain for the bus. Longest 3 and a half hours of my life and when the bus finally arrived the driver’s mom who was sitting in the passenger seat gave us shit for being soaking wet.

deleted by creator

Of course, who doesn’t want their air supply cut off on a far away planet

You know I used to think ai was pretty cool because I read a lot of sci-fi and in most sci-fi ai is a very useful tool but now that I’ve been living in reality for a good 2 years I’ve noticed that maybe this ai just isn’t very nice. It’s like that time I meet weird ai Yankovic and thought it was the real Weird Al but all he did was regurgitate edgy talking points and send me videos of giant boobed women dancing.

Needless to say, Bob Barker was pretty cool.

It was in Burkina Faso but I don’t think it ever aired in the United States. If you use a VPN you should still be able to catch it

Which ones though? Acetaminophen? Caffeine? Carbon monoxide?

I used to be friends with that bird but he kept going on and on about his opinions on TV shows. Like the family guy/Pinky and the brain crossover episode where Brain and Brian swap places and Brian gets drunk and tries to put lipstick on pinky but the lipstick is his dong. That goddamn bird was convinced that Seth MacFarlane and Steven Spielberg deserved to be charged under archaic obscenity laws for that one. I mean it’s probably the dumbest goddamn episode of TV I’ve ever seen but let’s not bring back 1950s broadcast standards over it.

Honestly she probably just wanted to make you feel better because you can’t make her knobroll snacks.

Next time just tell her to go pick carrots to sell at the local farmers market. It’s probably a better use of her time anyway.

If you’re uncircumcised you can try a variation of this where you put peanut butter on your knob and then jam on your shaft then when you pull your foreskin over it you’ve got yourself a pb&j eggroll. If you’re circumcised then I’d suggest some foreskin regeneration therapy so you can try making pb&j shlongrolls in a few years. No one should miss out.

Probably. I should probably get back to work.

I just don’t understand why there were so many authors at something called bottles for Christ. And why were there referees?

My sister’s nephew was a copilot in Croatia 52 years ago and if he were still alive he’d be pretty upset that Microsoft gave his job title to a bunch of goddamn 1s and 0s.

My Belgian step-neighbor did this in Cameroon once and everyone was so mad, they wrote instrumental songs about him for years. They were the most beautiful songs in the world, unfortunately they were lost to time and I never got to hear them.

63 seconds ago I thought I might have been thirsty but I drank some water and it didn’t do shit. I think I might not be thirsty afterall. But you know it’s always a good idea to think about thirst, especially when you’re thirsty.

Twelve years ago my brother’s ex girlfriend’s wife attended Bottles for Christ where she witnessed a fight between two emerging authors, one was a woman who’s name escapes me but the title of her book was “the girl with the dog dick tits”. She didn’t take kindly to another authors adaptation of the classic “pizza clowns from space hell”, claiming it was rubbish and a direct insult to writers. They argued over several bottles of wine until the referees announced the winner was a different author who had written a cookbook about making dinosaur sashimi. Everyone thought it was ridiculous because you would have to figure out time travel in order to even get dinosaur meat, that is until a young descendant of Alberto Weinstein came up with a way to incubate dinosaurs from nothing more than the DNA contained in oil. Unfortunately he died of sepsis before testing out his theory and no one ever got to eat dinosaur sashimi.

Bottles for Christ never happened again after that year, 32 people died of alcohol poisoning and another 210 were hospitalized with severe liver problems. At least those 32 people got to meet their Lord in the end so I guess bottles for Christ wasn’t a complete waste of time.

My uncle’s dead pastor’s name was Jack and he used to light candles for the fish in the tanks outside of Don Quihote in Akihabara for Easter while crowds clapped and sang Beatles songs to him