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I wish my parents had answers for me. I wish anyone did
People call me smart all the time, but they’re wrong. I’m wise. I’m just a little smarter than average, I’m just really good at cutting through details to see things clearly
But I spent the last month carefully avoiding thinking about what I was doing, because it was twisty and twirly and burns out my brain. It was only about 4 days of actual work, the rest was very literal headaches because I thought about it too hard
I’m an idiot. But I’m surrounded by fools who can’t see the world around them
I wish.
I don’t want anyone to take this the wrong way, but nearly every comment in here is from the perspective of someone who’s unsatisfied with how they were raised. What is it about Lemmy that this is the subset of the population they attract?
And I’ll just say, my parents were far from perfect, but I am also far from perfect, and I understand that we’re all just human beings out here, and that there is no guidebook on life, so we take these journeys around the sun at face value and muck along until we die.
But yeah, this thread is one of many where I’ve read similar stories from just about every comment. It’s just strange to me that you don’t get someone in here saying, yeah, good to have a mom who can help. It’s all the opposite.
Its always been my impression that Lemmy appeals towards politically charged young adults in their 20s and 30s. Theres something about the anti-authoritarian stance of fediverse that appeals to the rebelious angsty liberal arts types. Keep in mind though these are just the most vocal whos opinions youll see most im sure theres plenty of people with good parent relations who just scrolled past without commenting. These types are old enough to realize the flaws of their upbringing and cook it into their woe-is-me victim complex but not yet experienced enough with life to grow past, let it go, and forgive despite. Really I do think having some older kids in your life helps put a perspective on the other side of things. Parenting isn’t easy especially when your life isn’t going so well to begin with.
A 2013 study looking at personality disorders and Internet use found that being online more hours per day predicted signs of SzPD. Additionally, SzPD correlated with lower phone call use and fewer Facebook friends.
That’s my excuse.
Hmm I line up with a lot of that aside from “exclusive internal fantasy world”
I also don’t have difficult making friendships I just also am very bad about keeping those going unless we’re in proximity (either online or in-person).
I like praise but generally end up thinking I don’t really deserve it and criticism can bite me hard so… Idk maybe not?
Yeah with how much it overlaps with the autism spectrum it’s hard to tell but I feel I fall more on that line the SzPD, interesting though.
Autism, schizoid and Complex PTSD have a lot of overlap. Growing up undiagnosed autistic in an unsupportive environment can lead to CPTSD. Schizoid can also be thought of as a flavour of CPTSD that occurs if you’re predisposed via genetics. I think there’s still so much to learn. None by themself explain me, but all three together do. CPTSD is often co-occurring in late diagnosed autists.
Lol think about the kind of people that seek out an alternative to oppressive/censoring corpo networks and it does make some sense.
I love my mom, she’s far from perfect and has some narcissistic tendencies (which have been passed on to me even though I try to be cognicent of them) I have absolutely called her or my dad when I just needed someone to tell me things are going to be OK.
But I try to be self sufficient as much as possible (my wife helps a lot too ofc)
i half agree with you, but like my parents raised me in a cult. i’m old enough we’re helping them now.
I wouldn’t think too much into it. I guess that most users here just don’t have older kids yet, so they might lack the perspective of being the ones to give advice that kids don’t listen to.
My own kids aren’t that old yet and will still listen, but I really hope that one day they will stop listening, because then I know I’ve taught them to be independent.
Sounds like a lot of people I know.
I know it. My wife and I are opposites in this regard. She wants her parents input on everything. I am staunchly opposed to help, even if it takes me twice as long to do it.
I’m hesitant asking my parents for advice because it will be grounded in their… *clears throat* outdated worldview.
My parents give me good advice but they think their advice is scale invariant. I wish life could be sunshine and hospitality in my small community but unfortunately I’m no sunshine and I live in a metropol with amalgamation of different cultures with opposing politeness expectations.
Yeah. When I was 2 years into my working life (in tech), I was still taking advice from my dad (who worked in two government agencies his entire life). When I told him I’m switching jobs (for the first time), he told me to consider working in government because the longer you work there, the better your pension at retirement. This was at a time when the tech boom was starting, IT jobs were becoming the highest paid in the market, and switching every couple of years gets you paid better than a promotion. As a 20 year old in tech, the low salaries in government wasn’t exactly enticing.
I don’t understand, that is decent advice. Pensions are nearly impossible to get outside of government work.
If he suggested not moving companies because you’d be wasting time towards a pension at that private company, that indicates an outdated worldview, because that used to be common and no longer is. He correctly has identified that government work is one of the only ways to get a pension these days.
Because back in my home country, government salaries are abysmal. Yes the pension is great, but you’ll basically be living on a low salary that is just enough to get you by, your entire life. A career in tech paid more than double (sometimes triple) and you can invest for your retirement in other ways to supplement your social security benefits.
It was basically advice from someone who lived in a time when government was your best option for a job, and tenure was more valued.
Sounds like a trade in stability for growth. Just be sure to invest in your future too.
The only advice from them I take seriously is stuff that has nothing to do with society as a whole. Basically stuff like what to do about some random bug in my apt. Sometimes I bounce ideas around about something I’m considering doing (which is mostly just me thinking to myself but with an audience).
Look I love my mom.
But one of us has a therapist and a taste for new interesting foods. The other has anger issues when the food isnt Banquet Turkey in gravy with boxed mash potatoes.
And which one of those are you… ?
You like that turkey and gravy do ya?
I had taco bell for lunch and ramen for dinner. So maybe today is a bad example
I’m continually amazed that my mom manages to function in the world with all her crazy beliefs and issues.
Fuck that. Everytime I call my mom, she only disencourages and brings me down. She is the best mom, but her life experiences were too bad for her to ever push me in the right direction. I only want to tell her what I’m doing, but hate every second she gives me advice on it because her prespective and life experiences are horrible.
For example, she forced me to stay working at the worst minimum-wage slave jobs you could imagine, and if I told her I would kill myself if I stayed one more day in this job, she would tell me about how they used to clime uphill to school when she was a kid and live without electricity and had a child by 15, and drove 6 hrs to work for $200 salary… for fuck sake mom… no.
My life has turned so much for the better as soon as I stopped taking that from her. I know no one in existance could or ever would love me like her, but I should not take advice from her.YMMV - Your Mom May Vary.
It was difficult to accept but after talking with a therapist, and years of being discouraged every time I talked to her, I made the same realization and stopped telling her about most of my life. Everyone is much happier if we don’t talk about this. Otherwise she will tell me I took all the wrong decisions and that I should have stayed miserable because that’s how it works.
She (and all of her family) is afraid of pretty much everything. So as soon as you can secure a job, you keep it; for life! Even if it destroys your body or your mental, you have a job so keep it! Don’t go to school, it’s just a waste of money. Don’t look elsewhere because it’s not going to be better anyway. It’s even causing conflict in her family because one of her sister is a nurse and is “too educated”. They consider her snobbish.
It’s my mother, I love her, but I can’t tell her anything or it’s going to be worse for both of us.
Granddad was the Adult Pro Max in our family. Since he passed, Mom and I are both bad at adulting, so we just call each other to commiserate. :P
Now that I live alone, I’m infinitely grateful for getting rid of my mom’s advices in my life, half of which were “let me do it” - not so that I could watch and learn, but because she wanted to treat me like a disabled child. She feels personally insulted whenever anyone says “no” to her “help”. I did have to endure almost 30 years of that shit, tho.
Base model adult right here.
Must be one of these “Alpha Males” I keep hearing about. People need to wait until the male is at least at Release Candidate state before deploying.
SMH my head
An adult. Fuck’n A.
Until you find out that she was even more clueless at your age than you are now, among other hard truths…
I’m a parent now. I dread having to break to my kids that I have no idea what I am doing. For now, the kid is a toddler. Hopefully I will gain magical insight soon
That’s part of it. I tell my kids all the time, I’m just a guy. I tell them I don’t have all the answers, but I can find them if I put some effort in. I tell them I make mistakes, and that sometimes I’ll do bad dad stuff. I understand this about my parents as well. I still value their input because I’m sure they felt the same way I do, but somehow we made it out the other side, and so I’m interested in hearing their experience on the journey.
I’m fortunate to live in a fairly dense piece of suburbia, we have six or seven other families on the street with similar aged kids, and so I get to observe the rest of my peers, their strengths and their foibles, and we talk about it. It’s okay to mess up, just gotta take responsibility.
And as always, just go out there and have fun.
Let Pratchett tell them it’s turtles all the way down. 🖖🏼
Gotta be able to afford the Pro Max subscription.
You are just stuck with what you got for your entire life.
I’m really considering making an askLemmy post for career advice and I don’t think Lemmy was around at my parent’s time
I’m pretty happy with how I’m adulting. I cook a bunch, I fix just about anything, I am a pretty solid home DIY person, good with plumbing, electrical, cromulent at basic carpentry and drywalling.
My money is OK, could be better, most of my relationships are healthy, I’m doing OK physically.
I read a lot of books, prioritized emotional health and growth, I like a lot of things, I’m pretty bad at the piano, but I try real hard.
I don’t know if I’m pro max but a lot of my friends ask for my advice.
Also, what is that strange curly cord in the picture.
Im like half of this. I’ll never compete with my father, though, lol. He just seems to know how to fix and do everything. The only thing I can do for him is computers, and I feel bad because it’s nowhere near what he can do and has done for me. Like how im basically broke and in debt and needed a car bad since my last one was 18 years old and he didnt want to keep fixing it or want to fix it because something bad was probably gonna happen soon. So he loans me the money and we buy my cousins car they were going to trade in… within the first month, the entire engine is shot. Dealership wants 9k, so he’s like, nah. Tow to his house, and he buys a new engine online for 3k and puts it in himself. Took him some time, but he just finished a few weeks ago and has been driving it for 500 miles to make sure it’s OK. I’m about to get it back this weekend.
My entire basement flooded a month ago from leaky water heater and then find out after everything was demolished and removed that there were also 5 different leaks in water pipes as well. He just came by and replaced all the plumbing with new pipes while it was exposed in 1 day.
The list goes on, but you get the point. I seriously have no clue what I would do without him, and I know he is getting older now so its kind of scary to think about. I got about 1 more year of debt, and I should be ok after that, thankfully. I’ll never forget everything he has done to help. It sucks that a lot of people never get to have something like that.
Well there is something you can do right now. If something else goes wrong, make him help you fix it.
I torture my sons by making them help me as I currently finish up a transmission on their car. One of them made a hole in the wall and I will show them how to make the patch, but they’re sanding it.
They have all been shown how to sweat copper, plunge a toilet and cable a drain.
It is odd that your dad knows how to do to do all this stuff, but doesn’t teach you. When I’m old and crusty, the last thing I want to do is fix everyone’s stuff. He’s just setting himself up for a lot of work in his golden years if he doesn’t.
Im not completely helpless! Haha. I’ll admit he was never a good teacher in the sense that he would get frustrated easily and would just do it most of the time, but that’s not to say I didn’t learn a fair share of how to do things from him. I just find it wild that he can literally do pretty much anything and is not phased by anything. Growing up I learned to do oil changes, brake replacements, change car headlights or tires for cars, and we had the chance to redo a small house once and it took a year but I learned about flooring, insulation, and drywall. I wasn’t there for electric or plumbing, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do the normal stuff like change an outlet, replace a fan or light fixture, or fix the pipes under sinks. I do not know the more involved stuff, though, like running a new electric cable and connecting it to my electric panel, nor do I want to! It’s just not my thing, and that stuff makes me nervous.
I dunno, sounds like you might actually be pretty capable.
Maybe you just work on the next shitshow on your own. You might surprise yourself.
That’s the phone cord.
Wow, thats wild, why would you charge a phone with a weird curly cable?
The coiled form makes it somewhat retractable. If you have the phone earpiece on the phone itself, the coil makes for basically a 6 inch (15cm) curly cord, but you can still bring the phone up to maybe 6 times the length, nearly 1.1 yards (1m).
It’s common for signal cables that don’t carry much power.
I kid, I am old enough to have grown up with those.
The curls make the electric go faster!
