I try to be kind, upbeat, etc in my interactions with other people, especially at work. I want to treat others well, work together peacefully, and leave the project happy. I’ve noticed that some people (particularly more curmudgeonly folks) seem to read that attitude as naïveté, and feel like they can walk all over me or treat me like I don’t know what I’m talking about. Why is that?
Because the world is run by narcissists and psychopaths
Due to the inherently competitive nature of living in a society that competes for resources, many people assume that a kind, upbeat person will be easy prey for someone tough and pushy. They lack the emotional intelligence to understand that you can be both kind and assertive.
In reality, you catch more flies with honey. Pretty much every study of game theory concludes that nice but assertive is the optimal strategy in any ongoing interaction. A nice person with a backbone is likely to have healthier boundaries, lower stress, and better relationships with people.
In reality, you catch more flies with honey
Than with vinegar.
I treat people being overly kind as deceptive.
Why is that?
Some people use kindness as deception.
It’s a common manipulation tactic and one unintelligent people tend to fall for hook, line, and sinker.
I use it all the time at work to lull people into a sense of safety to make them relax and fall back into the behavior I want to nail them for.
Oftentimes a person will do something they’re not supposed to do, but won’t do it around the manager. I’m the assistant manager and for whatever reason, people will do something they’re NOT supposed to do around me and then wonder how the manager keeps finding out. I never let them know it was me and neither does my boss and people simply do not catch on for whatever reason.
I don’t seek out people to report them, but I do have a duty to my manager and the company to make sure everyone does what they’re supposed to. Even had one idiot stealing drinks and offer me one. Don’t steal, it’s not worth your job.
More like Dagwood_Snitchwich.
I do my job. They do their job and there’s no problem. My job is to take over for the manager when he’s not there and to be his extra set of eyes and ears.
They’re the assistant manager, it’s literally their job to help manage the team. Don’t do stupid shit in front of management and you won’t get in shit, it’s not rocket science.
Being overly kind or love bombing is manipulation tactic number one employed by a narcissist.
Oh, that makes sense, I suppose.
IMO it’s just propaganda, it’s as simple as that. Evil people with no empathy want everyone to turn off their own empathy, so they can use their positions of power to exploit everyone else.
If people (sensibly) think that we should strive to be as kind as possible, it exposes the evil people as being obviously evil when they exploit others, and because we’re trying to be as nice as possible we then wouldn’t tolerate that and we’d take away their power so they can’t exploit people any more.
Abusers try to stigmatize sympathy and empathy, because as long as it is a stigma then people won’t talk to each other about their own abuse, then the abuser gets away with it. But no matter how strong and powerful an abuser is, even a fairly small number of dedicated, close-knit victims and their supporters can make the abusers lives extremely difficult, if not tip over their power completely.
“Do not mistake my kindness as weakness”
Some of it is setting boundaries. If you don’t stop certain behavior at the start, it just builds up, unintentionally aslo.
For example if your name is Robert, and you prefer Robert, correcting someone who called you “Bob” is the first action, otherwise they will keep doing it not knowing any better. Because if you wait til you’re upset with it, they’re going to take it as hostility because “you never said anything before” and you’re probably pissed when you do correct them.
Because many people mistake selfishness for strength and intelligence.
However, not matter how wrong they are and how deep in denial they go, at the end of the day mean selfish people are bad people and kind people are good ones.And these bad people look very stupid when they think they can get away with their bad behavior and the kind not naïve person, just say no and don’t back down.
There’s also the stupid belief that being mean = intelligent, which kinda overlaps with this. I somewhat blame House MD for that; that show was popular around the time when the idea got normalized in media, and now it just keeps going and is repeated in multiple ways in movies, series… etc. Rick and Morty is another great example of what that type of portrayal can cause, it’s done terrible damage in making it’s target audience associate meanness and assholery with being intelligent.
You can be both kind and intelligent, these qualities are not linked in real life, just like being naïve and kind are not. This means that being mean doesn’t make anyone look any smarter; it just makes you look like a mean asshole. This also seems to escape a lot of people and worsen the hateful shit both irl and online
Its such a trope in movies and TV shows though. I call it the Khan trope. The narrative makes a huge deal about how unfathomably intelligent a villain is, and then when the villain is finally revealed they’re like comically evil with the most superficial and pathetic philosophy. I think its just hard for dumb TV writers (no offense) to write intelligent villains.
To me a much better villain is someone who cares a great deal about something real, and is actually very intelligent and determined, but is just deeply confused about something. People like Tulsi Gabbard or Amy Coney Barret are good examples, they were raised in these weird cults and now they have no understanding of anything outside their narrow view, and have been conditioned to reject anything that contradicts their social beliefs. A lot of people think they are doing good, the people whom they love tell them all the time how proud they are, etc. But because of their intelligence and determination they just are all twisted up in knots inside a house of mirrors that they were forced into before they had the chance to question any of it.
And yeah these people may not be super intelligent, just opportunistic and smart/determined enough and groomed to take power. But it resembles actual intelligence more than “only the strong deserve to survive heh heh heh twirls moustache villainously” that we usually get from this slop.
It makes people feel better and more in control of themselves to think that their compassion fatigue is maturity instead of an injury that has been inflicted on them. I’ve spent a LOT of time working in inpatient psychiatry for a decade now wondering why people keep hurting each other. Why patients lash out at staff members, why staff members lash out at patients and why either does the same to their peers. This is just one of many common manifestations.
People think you are either (a) nice and let people walk all over you, or (b) you have to be evil to be strong. But the truth is you can be in between, you can be both nice and retaliatory in case others are evil to you first.
Its actually the best game-theory strategy, called “Tit-for-Tat”, you be nice to others, but don’t be afraid to retaliate when they start being evil. Because if you don’t retaliate, they will take advantage of you.
But the truth is you can be in between
I think the term for this is assertive. At least that’s how I’ve been defining it. You can be compassionate while also setting boundaries to prevent people from walking all over you.
The best example from my life I can recall is when I was managing the weekend shift for a help desk and one of the techs got a call from a lady who had had a TBI and could not regulate her emotions. She needed some information that was not in our wheelhouse and when this kid told her shed have to call the other department on Monday she went off on him. I took over the call and was eventually able to talk her down and get her to understand that we could not help her and we were not just refusing to by going back and forth with her and keeping my voice even and setting boundaries when she started to get pissed. She was happy with the resolution I came up with by the end of the call. It took like an hour and I felt like I was breaking a horse to get therethough.
With a slight addendum, tit for tat is best, while also allowing for an appropriate amount of forgiveness in case of mistakes
Also this short game showcases the concept well https://ncase.me/trust/
actual real humans in reality also have this amazing ability to “talk” to each other, allowing them to communicate and say things like “hey you’re being a dick, stop being a dick and we can help each other instead, if you don’t stop then me and everyone i know will throw you into the ocean”
Because the world is ruled by sociopaths.
People sometimes have difficulty walking the line between being nice and being a doormat and let people take advantage of their kindness. This bitters some people and they start to see their own kindness as a weakness.
When this happens they tend to think people who are kind just haven’t had that bad experience yet and that they’re naive about the way the world “really works”.I think there might be a kind of tragedy of the commons thinking there, as in “Somebody is going to take advantage of this naive person, it may as well be me.”
It’s funny, but I feel like I strive to be kind because I’m aware of how the world really works. Like, I’ve been let down by reality and know the world can be a nightmare already, so why would I want to pile even more on someone and make their life harder, you know?
“Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you’ve got a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”
― Kurt Vonnegut
You sound very sweet, OP. Never change. A lot of people are just miserable themselves and want company being miserable.
Oh, sweet summer child
/s
They see it as a vulnerability they can exploit to get what they want. This is a reminder to use strong boundaries. You can be kind but also strong.
Knowing when to set boundaries and sticking to them is not one of my strong suits, admittedly. But it’s something I’m working on.
How do you know when to set a boundary? How do you enforce it without feeling like an asshole?
To add to what others have said, boundary-setting is a skill we develop over many social interactions. It may feel awkward or mean setting a boundary initially, but it’s essential to maintain one’s “social battery” and priorities/sanity.
Speaking of priorities, those are a good indication as to when setting boundaries is helpful. For example, you have an important appointment to get to, but a family member/friend is asking your help with something at around the same time. Communicating you have a prior engagement at the time of your appointment while being willing to help out after, or giving them suggestion on how else they can get the help they need, is you setting a boundary of what you can do with your time.
When we have concerns of feeling like an asshole, we want to consider from where that originates. Sometimes we’ve been raised around family members or “friends” who take advantage of another’s kindness and treat people maintaining boundaries as the villain (e.g. “Why are you leaving us hanging?/ Why couldn’t you help me/your Old Man out this one time?”). This is often a sign of emotional immaturity/ poor insight, empathy, and/or self-awareness. Healthy connections will respect your boundaries and maybe check in later if a raincheck is suggested. When interacting with people who don’t respect “no” as a full sentence and answer, sometimes reminding them of our limits and empathizing with the person’s situation can disarm them.
Check in with yourself during/after interactions and explore your feelings/thoughts that came up. If you experience negative emotions after an interaction, ask yourself why. Did they say or do something that made you feel uncomfortable - ie: being controlling or physically being too close. Keep a list of this and update it. This will tell you what kind of boundaries you need to set and which people violate those boundaries. Then you can decide how you want to set the boundary - the boundary could be imposed on you (ie: you leave the room), the boundary could be imposed on the other person (ie: you tell them how you feel and tell them the consequences). The latter really depends on the kind of relationship you have with the other person.
the boundary could be imposed on you (ie: you leave the room), the boundary could be imposed on the other person (ie: you tell them how you feel and tell them the consequences
I was in the same situation as the OP and I have done both the things you have suggested and guess what they didn’t change anything. Yes the day I told them what I felt and walked out of the room, felt reliving, as I did what I wanted to do and the next few days felt different too. But things came back to being bad as they were before.
And this made me think that, I shouldn’t have been the nice/doormat guy I was from the beginning itself and be more open about my views and opinions which would make me look like a strong character. First impression is everything and you really can’t do anything after they’re set.
You cannot control other people. And as I said, bouandry setting with others is a case by case situation. The next step would be to limit your interaction with them - this could be from changing your routine to something more drastic like changing jobs/going no contact.
Some people were taught that being an asshole is good; hence, being nice is bad.
Finna git mine. 💰💵🌐🪣🦀🔪🔫
I support your endeavours!
you will be seen as too trusting and people take advantage of it, and it can be your downfall. i know some people that are pushovers like that, can barely afford bills at this point.
I’d bet that there is a lot of overlap between “people who are kind” and “people who are easily taken advantage of”.
But the converse is true as well, for example the political situation in the UK with Brexit and USA with Republicans showed, that there is also a big overlap between “people who are assholes” and “people who are easily taken advantage of”.
So I think it’s rather humans are easily taken advantage of, if you know how.
And also thus them being stupid.
