I’ve been saying this for decades. We live in the dumbest timeline. We live in a timeline where during covid they shut down the gyms. In response to this, hundreds of people showed up outside the locked gym doors and protested the closure saying they need to workout everyday. They did this by doing pushups, and full cardio classes as a group on the sidewalk. When the governor pointed out that they don’t need the gym to workout, and that they’re working out right now, the big guy who had been talking to cameras got pissed off and started aggressively doing pullups on a small tree that was planted in the treelawn. The tree didn’t support his weight, and he fell on his ass. Then he blamed the governor for that.

We live in a timeline where a couple kids ate tidepods. That in itself was not a story. But the media reported it as if it was a new epidemic among teenagers. They said it causes permanent damage to your digestive tract, and can be lethal. Which in itself MADE it an epidemic among teenagers, and NOW thousands of them started eating tidepods because of the media stories.

We live in a timeline where roughly half the country cares what genitals you have, which bathroom you use, and what pronouns you carry. As if a penis leaking pee is a different substance than a vagina leaking pee. As if ANY of this shit matters.

We live in a timeline where white people for nearly a century had segregated EVERYTHING. As if a black person drinking from the same water fountain as a white person was in any way different than two white people drinking from the same fountain.

We live in a timeline where we arrested Paul Rubins for going to a solo porn theater, which is designed specifically for masturbation, and he gets arrested for masturbation.

We live in a timeline where in 1996 McDonalds released a burger in Cleveland, which was 6 quarter pounder patties, layered between 8 slices of cheese. I can’t find anyone who remembers this happening, so I think it was a test market, and sales were as bad as you’d think. With our local news stations jokingly called it the McHeart Attack.

Ok, I’m going a bit off the rails a bit towards the end, but my point is, everyday I wake up, remember I’m on earth, and my reaction is always the same. “Ugh, humans…”

Because everything on this god damned planet is dumb as hell. People are dumb as hell. I don’t understand why people are afraid of being abducted by aliens. Yeah, sure, they play with your butthole a bit, but then you get to go to a different non-earth planet. I’m 42. I get my butthole played with just going to the doctors, and afterwards I still have to live on earth!

Look, I’ve lost track of the point I was making because I got angry thinking about how my mom wouldn’t let 13 year old me eat the McHeart Attack. And now 42 year old me just wants to hang out in some corn fields, and chill with some aliens on another planet. And if they need to check my butthole for drugs or whatever, so be it.

TAKE ME WITH YOU ALIEN FRIENDS!!!

That’s the point, really. People can be terrible or great, no matter their background, or identity.