He said…basically…a tabloid…

See? We should have kept Ask Jeeves around!

Natural selection has been removed. Now republicans are trying to reintroduce it.

They’ll (mainly) be the ones affected. I say let it happen.

Then again, I don’t like most people.

I think he’s saying the pope is debt…maybe…I don’t know.

Take me back. I don’t like it in the future…

This quote has me worried for what comes next. And has since the election.

Although I remember hearing it closer to October when they had the debates.

Colonoscopy.

Yes, but it’s not defined how much.

Sounds like you need a new wife. And if your new wife doesn’t find it funny, you could always just tickle her until she laughs at it!

It sounds fun on paper, but all we’d be left with is jocks running the government.

I agree we have a shit government now, but that wouldn’t be an improvement. It would be an equally stupid government.

“I would, but, my dog ate them.”

“Sir, you don’t have a dog?”

“I had to show the dog who’s boss! I ate the dog! I’M EATING THE CATS AND DOGS!!!”

If you were a cop, you’d be a racist piece of shit who covers for other cops after they shoot people.

I thought it meant that his girlfriend died.

It was part of a stand up comedy routine I saw him do. He later recycled part of it in Sexpert.

“Think of your penis as a bus. Because even a small bus, is a REALLY big…bus, ya know? All the women will scream in horror, and say OH MY GOD! HOW MANY PEOPLE DOES THIS SEAT??? And you can just chuckle, in knowing your bus is very popular! Get on the bus, Gus!”

~Eugene Mirman. 2004.

Uhhhhhh…can I succumb? That sounds like a good time. I’ve never had magic devil sex before…

How much spanking do you need that it requires THREE mistresses???

That’s what YOU think! I eat MY cereal using my fists! Straight from the box! I go in dry!

I always used this:

“I fucked your mom last night!”

“Ew. You need to get yourself tested…”

Humans are the virus.