“Small talk” is actually one of the most powerful tools for connection we have. It’s not meaningless chatter; it’s the doorway into deeper understanding.
The trick isn’t to say the most interesting thing in the room or ask interesting questions, it’s to be interested.
When you ask someone, “How’s your day going?” or “What’s been keeping you busy lately?” and actually listen to their answer, you’re signaling that you care about their world. That’s the quiet magic of small talk: it turns strangers into people, and people into friends.
Start simple. Ask open questions that invite reflection instead of yes or no answers. Things like:
“How’s work treating you this week?”
“What’s something you’ve been enjoying lately?”
“Do you like slow days or do they make you restless?”
Then, build on what they share. Match their tone. Add your own small experiences (“I know what you mean, I kind of love quiet days too”). These little back-and-forth moments help conversations feel easy and balanced.
The value of small talk isn’t in the words themselves, it’s in the attention you give others. Over time, these small exchanges build trust, warmth, and familiarity. They’re how relationships begin, how empathy grows, and how we remind each other that we’re seen.
So don’t underestimate small talk. Practice curiosity. Ask, listen, share. Every person you meet carries a piece of the story you haven’t heard yet, and small talk is how you start uncovering it.
The trick isn’t to say the most interesting thing in the room or ask interesting questions, it’s to be interested.
OK, but, like… I’m not interested. I have a strong interest in others viewing me nonthreateningly, because I have no interest in causing harm or taking advantage of others and would rather not be viewed suspiciously. But the actual mechanics of small talk are dull and uninteresting to me. I could walk through the motions, and generally do when I have to, but the kind of energy and attention it takes for me to do that while also being aware of anything else is exhausting. I’m perfectly happy being on the sidelines or simply not in attendance at all. I just want to be able to carry some sort of authentication or certificate that indicates “Normal People including Jeff T., Paul R., Caitlin P., Rilee L., and Jaime A. all vouch for me being safe and trustworthy. If you don’t know any of them, I can provide further references.”
Literally all I could say to any of this would be downer shit. That’s why I hate small talk. It’s just depressing and I feel like it makes me look bad.
People actually LOVE to complain to each other. Perhaps if you shared your downer shit, you could find lots of connection. Just be sure to dose the information in small bits, so that the other person has enough space to react and share their own depressiive stories.
Why would I want to just add more shit to what someone else is dealing with and then have theirs added to me? That would just leave us both more stressed out than ever.
You’d think that, but that’s part of the point and magic, and it does not necessarily add up to that point of “leave us both more stressed than ever”.
It still adds up to increasing connection, not decreasing it. The caveat is that the whole leaving room for the other person too is vital, it can’t be overwhelmingly one sided, good or ill.
The human condition includes depressive shit too, and no one is unique in capacity for suffering, only details. That’s still something to bond over.
Because people with problems in common often have solutions in common and then only one of you needs to have the answer. The whole person-climbs-down-into-the-hole-with-you story.
As someone who can have difficulty socializing (unless it’s something I’m passionate or knowledgeable about, but then i risk oversharing), i decided to try reading a book i ran into called Supercommunicators. It actually touches on a number of things you mentioned here, just curious if you happen to have read it yourself… It’s been pretty enlightening for me, and i find the things I’ve picked up from it can easily be applied to daily life. Some good food for thought, at very least!
Keep it simple! Andrew Carnegie wrote the only book you need, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Terrible title in today’s context, that’s not really what it’s about.
Carnegie set out to find a solid book on human communication. Traveled all over the US, meeting and writing university professors, was astonished that such a thing didn’t exist, so he wrote it.
Interestingly, you can pick it up and read any chapter. Nothing need be in order, it’s not a study course, very easy to digest. Most of it is simply Carnegie telling stories.
There was one that’s always stuck with me: He goes to dinner at a man’s house and the guy won’t shut the fuck up, talks on and on and on. Carnegie shut up, listened, made it clear he was listening, hardly spoke a word. On the way out the man was congratulating Carnegie on what a fine conversationalist he is!
Public domain, totally free, give it a spin. I need to brush up on it myself.
“Small talk” is actually one of the most powerful tools for connection we have. It’s not meaningless chatter; it’s the doorway into deeper understanding.
The trick isn’t to say the most interesting thing in the room or ask interesting questions, it’s to be interested.
When you ask someone, “How’s your day going?” or “What’s been keeping you busy lately?” and actually listen to their answer, you’re signaling that you care about their world. That’s the quiet magic of small talk: it turns strangers into people, and people into friends.
Start simple. Ask open questions that invite reflection instead of yes or no answers. Things like:
“How’s work treating you this week?”
“What’s something you’ve been enjoying lately?”
“Do you like slow days or do they make you restless?”
Then, build on what they share. Match their tone. Add your own small experiences (“I know what you mean, I kind of love quiet days too”). These little back-and-forth moments help conversations feel easy and balanced.
The value of small talk isn’t in the words themselves, it’s in the attention you give others. Over time, these small exchanges build trust, warmth, and familiarity. They’re how relationships begin, how empathy grows, and how we remind each other that we’re seen.
So don’t underestimate small talk. Practice curiosity. Ask, listen, share. Every person you meet carries a piece of the story you haven’t heard yet, and small talk is how you start uncovering it.
“How’s work treating you?”
It’s work.
“What have you been enjoying lately?”
Sleeping when I get home from work.
“Do you like slow days?”
No cause it means I have to work longer.
OK, but, like… I’m not interested. I have a strong interest in others viewing me nonthreateningly, because I have no interest in causing harm or taking advantage of others and would rather not be viewed suspiciously. But the actual mechanics of small talk are dull and uninteresting to me. I could walk through the motions, and generally do when I have to, but the kind of energy and attention it takes for me to do that while also being aware of anything else is exhausting. I’m perfectly happy being on the sidelines or simply not in attendance at all. I just want to be able to carry some sort of authentication or certificate that indicates “Normal People including Jeff T., Paul R., Caitlin P., Rilee L., and Jaime A. all vouch for me being safe and trustworthy. If you don’t know any of them, I can provide further references.”
Literally all I could say to any of this would be downer shit. That’s why I hate small talk. It’s just depressing and I feel like it makes me look bad.
People actually LOVE to complain to each other. Perhaps if you shared your downer shit, you could find lots of connection. Just be sure to dose the information in small bits, so that the other person has enough space to react and share their own depressiive stories.
Why would I want to just add more shit to what someone else is dealing with and then have theirs added to me? That would just leave us both more stressed out than ever.
You’d think that, but that’s part of the point and magic, and it does not necessarily add up to that point of “leave us both more stressed than ever”.
It still adds up to increasing connection, not decreasing it. The caveat is that the whole leaving room for the other person too is vital, it can’t be overwhelmingly one sided, good or ill.
The human condition includes depressive shit too, and no one is unique in capacity for suffering, only details. That’s still something to bond over.
Because people with problems in common often have solutions in common and then only one of you needs to have the answer. The whole person-climbs-down-into-the-hole-with-you story.
As someone who can have difficulty socializing (unless it’s something I’m passionate or knowledgeable about, but then i risk oversharing), i decided to try reading a book i ran into called Supercommunicators. It actually touches on a number of things you mentioned here, just curious if you happen to have read it yourself… It’s been pretty enlightening for me, and i find the things I’ve picked up from it can easily be applied to daily life. Some good food for thought, at very least!
Keep it simple! Andrew Carnegie wrote the only book you need, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Terrible title in today’s context, that’s not really what it’s about.
Carnegie set out to find a solid book on human communication. Traveled all over the US, meeting and writing university professors, was astonished that such a thing didn’t exist, so he wrote it.
Interestingly, you can pick it up and read any chapter. Nothing need be in order, it’s not a study course, very easy to digest. Most of it is simply Carnegie telling stories.
There was one that’s always stuck with me: He goes to dinner at a man’s house and the guy won’t shut the fuck up, talks on and on and on. Carnegie shut up, listened, made it clear he was listening, hardly spoke a word. On the way out the man was congratulating Carnegie on what a fine conversationalist he is!
Public domain, totally free, give it a spin. I need to brush up on it myself.