I have a couple friends like this. Live with their moms, over 25, never had a job or anything. Only plays games. I feel so bad for them because they don’t think they are smart but they definitely are, they just dont spend their time wisely.
Im not judging. That life sounds great when youre young. But I dont want them to wake up at 35 and be even more depressed because they’ve never done anything in life.
It would be well and good if they were happy like this but they definitely aren’t. Im just not sure how someone like that could even integrate into society. I give them advice here and there and sometimes talk about jobs with them, but they are also self proclaimed “lazy” and never really branch out to try new things. I try to send them links to code camps and stuff like that i think they’ll enjoy, but they dont do it. I’ve offered to hang out with them when im their town (we’ve been friends for years and know each other very well so this isnt weird) but they cant drive either which makes ir hard.
I already know most replies wil be “ITS FINE TO HAVE A BORING LIFE LEAVE THEM ALONE AND STOP TRYING TO “SAVE” THEM” but a boring life is different than a healthy life, imo.
Edit: i knew there’d be a lot of misinterpretation and people self reflecting on their own lives as a result of this post. Regardless, I am glad for the discussion. Thank you to those of you who had constructive comments instead of outright attacks.
I can see that you care a lot for your friends’ well-being and happiness, and are concerned their lifestyle might be harmful for them long term. Instead of going straight into talking with them, you’re getting more information so you can do it right. That’s very considerate of you and I’m really happy they have such a good friend. Seriously, your friends are lucky to have you.
Bringing up concerns with anyone, especially those close to you, can easily lead to hurt or conflict if the other person misunderstands your motivations and feels misunderstood, criticized, or judged. I want you to succeed if you decide to talk with them because I can see you only want to ensure they can have healthy, fulfilling lives and I’m sure you want them to see the same.
Have you considered looking into any literature on brushing up on communication skills for difficult conversations? If you’re open to it, I highly recommend Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It teaches how to identify and express core motivations and the feelings behind them, learn the same when others speak (even if they aren’t initially aware themselves), and work together to address everyone’s needs.
Disclaimer: I just used the bog standard Nonviolent Communication method in this comment. Old me would have said something like “you’re judging your friends and are gonna piss them off” while having the same core feelings and motivations I felt when I wrote the main comment. NVC helps me figure out my needs and feelings as well as yours, then talk about them without sounding like a judgmental, overly critical douchebag.
A bit of a tangent but I wonder if this is becoming more common these days. The “shut-in” phenomena, japanese call them hikikomori. News headlines say it is but i wonder how well they represent reality.
I get it. Life can already be inherently difficult, but the capitalist meat grinder present in most countries just serves to make people even unhappier so others can profit from an interminable struggle to reclaim the happiness that is their birthright.
Some folks have cut out the work portion of the “work makes me sad, consumption makes me happy” cycle and just consume for fleeting happiness. Others might struggle with mental and/or physical illness. Regardless, society is more often than not failing them.
If you really want to help them expand, offer to take them to a music festival and line up some psychedelics. I’ve seen it help many online introverts break past mental barriers.
I originally read this as “terminally ill” but my answer doesn’t actually change: unplug them.
nice one
Tell them to get a laptop and start going outside.
You can be online and out in the real world at the same time.
They have no job
Tell them to get a laptop
Would try to introduce them to more friends and broaden their social circle.
Working a boring ass shit job doesn’t make you less depressed at not doing anything in life
At least you won’t die of choking on overcooked steak when you tried living on yourself after your parents inevitably died.
Wait, like they start eating themselves?
Dismantle capitalism so they are free to return to Real Life and stop ignoring reality.
Best answer
I dont know the whole situation and it sounds like your trying. My closest parallel is, my friends that are kinda introverted.
I have one in my friend group, that thinks the perfect Friday night is air frying chicken and playing Command and Conquer.
Not that i hate that, but just like any good thing it gets tiresome.
So i sometimes spend time asking around for fun stuff to do on the cheap.
A week ago we drove roughly and hour to a OLD, OLD AS SHIT Drive in movie theater. It was $20 for 2 movies and for as many people as you could cram in a car.
It was honestly really fun, watching horror movies with my friends and just dicking around.
I was really introverted when i was younger and my friend is pretty introverted.
My best tip, is to invite somebody they enjoy hanging with something. Then offer them to join, and make it low stress and no schedule.
Thats how the best times with friends happen.
My friend really wasn’t thrilled about going to the movies, but because another friend was going. They wanted to go
We dont go out a whole lot because well shits expensive. But every time they get less introverted, because its not “oh im going somewhere with people i dont like talking to people” its more of “i may not like other people that are gonna be there but my friends are gonna be there”
Heard mentality helps introverts
That sounds great!
We are both introverts really, I just learned how to get out of my comfort zone more often. I dont think they’ve ever done that
Don’t feel bad for them. Stop judging them while believing otherwise. Mind your own business and stop meddling. Consider that you might be engaging in ableism. Be their friend (if they are also friends to you) and enjoy your life with them when the opportunities present themselves. Don’t see anything you do as “enabling them” - it’s not your job to give them tough love or to intervene in any way, unless they are asking you specifically for help. In that case, it’s reasonable to set conditions or limits to the help you may choose to give them.
Not everybody is worried about achieving things in life or living in ways you approve of, their regret isn’t guaranteed, and there are always ways for them to start anew and to live with dignity e.g. like the people showcased on the CheapRVLiving YT channel.
Society isn’t healthy, so it may be wise to direct your energy towards improving it and encouraging others to do the same. Their level of integration into our incredibly unhealthy society is not a measure of their personal health.
That cheapRVliving channel saved me when I had to move and get away from abuse. Lived in my car for several months. Life is so much better now.
If you didn’t want help, and someone showed up and started doing stuff, saying, “Hey I’m helping,” I doubt most people would want that help. Tl;dr you can only help those that want help or those that are open to it.
I think the best thing you can do is be supportive, invite them out, and showcase the positive aspects of your life & the life you’d want them to have. It’s not showboating / gloating, but it’s including them & offering them what a wider life might look like. When they want to change, you can be present for them in that moment.
Trying to change people can be such a fool’s errand. I’ve tried to do it with a bunch of friends over the last decade. You can’t move people who don’t want to be moved. You can maybe inspire them for more.
The best you can do is help them in the endeavors they start. And also be positive.
This is good. I do try to do this in a non bragging way and hopefully they don’t take it that way. But stuff like, I went out to a park near me and there was some cool rocks to climb on, you should try it at a park by you etc. Or small projects im working on.
Offering to hang out once in a while is nice. Without going into fancy considerations, it’s nice
Do be careful when suggesting specific activities, it can feel like you’re telling them what to be (and cause reactance). If you had parents doing it to you, you know the issue
I don’t think the “judging” part matters. They are likely to be unhappy at some point in the future, and if you happen to be proposing something different at that time, they might be more interested. This doesn’t need to be about judgement or respect, having a way into another life should always be desirable (as long as you’re not being an asshole)
note that I am basing this on how I believe I would feel if I was them, and do not have any experience as your “role” here
Have you considered these people don’t consider you to be that important in their own lives? It’s not the job of friends to fix the perceived foibles of their friends, unless a friend actually asks for help.
Friends are just people who enjoy each others company and offer as much or as little emotional support when able/willing. When that stops being the case it’s fine to drift apart.
Also, really take a step back, ‘cause you literally wrote this:
Never said I was going to actually try to help. Just for ideas. Also I stand by that they dont spend their time wisely, thats an actual fact, sorry if you dont like it.
Not judging. That’s an actual fact.
To me, in this context, these two statements aren’t opposing each other as I think the word judge can have some nuance to it. For example I could say I found your original comment overly aggressive, but I don’t judge you for it. By which I would mean that I have an opinion about your actions, but I’m not assigning you a moral value on that basis.
Well you can choose to ignore the definitions of words. I am not judging.
And yet, you also judge my understanding of word definitions to be insufficient. See the difference? It’s like there’s two axes in play, good or bad, and correct and incorrect.
Tell their food providers if they don’t do something now, they’ll end up like my 70 year old parents. They just shelled out $16,000 for dental care because my brother who barely graduated high school, has never held a job, and never left the house, has no insurance of any kind. When they die, he’ll probably starve to death because I’m not stepping in to help that racist, misogynist, homophobic prick live.
You can lead the horses to water but you can’t make them drink. Keep offering to hang out, maybe if you’re having a deep conversation ask if this is how they want the rest of their lives to go and if they have ever looked into mental health help (this absolutely may be them struggling to do things and not letting themselves think about that fact). But at the end of the day you can’t improve things for them, you can only offer whatever help you can offer, help if they ask for it, and provide a good alternative.
Also, encourage them to take regular walks. It’s a really good first step to stopping being a shut in. It involves changing scenery, exercise, and places you around other people. Biking or running would be a next step if they’re interested, they can serve as a hobby and cardio and biking can also be a form of transportation around town as well as providing an opportunity to get involved in social rides. Things like that drastically impact mental health
