I LOVE these. Funnier the longer I think about them. Almost serious or useful then just completely out of left field.
The road to hell is paved with hand-baskets.
A bird in the hand is worth two with one stone.
This was really funny in 2012 or so when it first made it’s rounds…
Yeah but we’re stoning the white elephant in the room with two birds while a cart-drawn horse is heading towards a burning bridge.
My favorites are “we’ll jump off that bridge when we come to it.” and “we don’t want that loose cannon to rock the boat”.
My favorite is, “Why don’t you make like a tree and go fuck yourself?”
i love a softer world! wish there were a community for it
I’m gonna OD on nostalgia from this
This one’s really good since some trees can self-pollinate.
Is that why some family trees are so linear?
Does the pope shit in the woods?
My all time favorite. Sometimes I go with “is a bear Catholic?”
Only if the Bear is Catholic
I use this far too often
I said this at the root of the thread, but since we are talking about variations of this malaphor, I use:
Does a bear shit in the pope’s hat?
“I don’t know, CJ! I keep telling you I’m not Catholic!”
And if no one hears it happening, is he Catholic?
What’s the pope part supposed to say?
Does the pope wear a funny hat? Does a bear shit in the woods?
is the pope a bear?
When in the woods alone, would you rather run into a pope or a bear?
Women would choose a bear, normally. I thought we went through this a year or so ago.
And a bear in a funny hat?! How could you not want a hug?!
I’ve heard it as “Is the pope catholic?”
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Bob’s your oyster
Kill two cats with one bag
Bring out your dead!
But I feel fine… I wanna go for a walk.
Don’t count your chickens before you put them all in one basket
But what if I paid for the 10-piece meal?
I like how this bucket of chicken is casually thrusting for no reason.
Well duh’… Then someone else has put them in the basket already, so you’re good
Put two birds in one basket?
First you get the birds stoned.
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
That’s some Groucho Marx style shit.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
An old friend always said “time flies like fruit flies like a banana.”
I’ve always preferred this version because of the flow, and because it makes you think a little more before it clicks.
You just made me dylexic I read melons, then when i read dyslexic i go back to read again and i read lemons but wait, wasn’t it melons? So I read again and it’s melons 😭
I guess I spawned a cognitohazard xD
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“This is a tough nut to swallow”
“It’s not the end of the day”
For the first one, my ex used to say that to me all the time.
You need to eat more pineapple
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From the Buffy-verse.
Harmony, the dumbest vampire.
“You’re preaching to the horse’s mouth.”
“I don’t like a loose cannon. They rock the boat.”
Except that actually makes sense.
On a wooden battleship the cannons were literally tied in place so when the recoiled after being fired they would not smash into the gun crew on the other side of the ship. If a cannon broke its restraints it could maim the crew and break through the hull.
The very next line is “loose cannon, rock the boat – is that a mixed metaphor? Boats did have cannons. And if one got loose, it would cause the boat to rock…”
You can beat a dead horse but you can’t make it drink.
You can lead a racehorse to water but you shouldn’t piss in its mouth
That’s a very apt lesson
“Yesterday we were at the brink of abyss, today we took a step forward”
Omg I shot diet pepsi out of my nose
From I Love Lucy… Ricky tried giving Lucy an ultimatum in his broken English…
“Don’t cross your bridges before your chickens have hatched!”
