That you should always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I grew up that turning the other cheek and taking the high road was righteous. It was freeing to realize that even though it might not be 100% someone’s fault; sometimes a racist is a racist, even if they’ve never had the opportunity to broaden their horizon. The alcoholic is choosing not to get help, even if they have a good reason to want to drink. That asshole is an asshole, even if their father beat them as a child.
I hadn’t realized what an emotional burden I’d taken on trying to excuse the bad behavior of others until I came to the realization I needed to stop.
Alcoholism isn’t an addiction: truly it is a disease. It starts as a mental issue that then turns physiological.
Then your body stops producing GABA inhibitors.
You see, with smoking, some people quit cold turkey. And that’s fine. But with alcoholism, quitting cold turkey could mean death: Amy Winehouse is an example. It is the culmitive hangover that sends your body into shock.
So to properly detox, it takes about three days of medical attention. They monitor your blood pressure, basically.
But even after release, you require about three more weeks of monitoring. This is the “pink elephant” phase.
My sister stayed with me for the first week, and while I knew she was familiar and I wouldn’t dare say it: I honestly didn’t recognize her. Literally. I had logic to know that I should know her; she was on my couch.
But I honestly just didn’t recognize her.
Now, that was me coming out of my worst point: a fifth and touch on another fifth, chased by 6-8 beers a day.
Thankfully from ASA, I got a chance to clean up. Obamacared!
But while sober, I didn’t have any support once the physiological side was done.
So the mentality that caused the dependence came back.
And this is why groups like AA and NA pair you with a mentor.
The truth is the mentee is also helping the mentor.
So, with another example, I smoke cigarettes. I smoke about a pack a day, if left to my own devices.
I went on a date last week, and she kept me so entertained that in five hours, I only smoked one cigarette. She was a social smoker and bummed one.
I with vocal hesitation gave her one. I really like this woman. I don’t want her to take back up smoking. Greater than my drinking, smoking is the biggest regret of my life.
But she kept me entertained and engaged that I wasn’t wanting whiskey, beer, or cigarettes.
I was happy. I had physiological nags, for sure, but she was removing the actual root cause of my behavior.
I know I have basically written an essay, but my point is that sometimes, in heavily specific arenas, you should give people the benefit of the doubt.
Get them engaged and feel love, and watch those worries just wash away.
And we are going to have dinner on Monday. Wish me luck. She might be my cure, and not leftover thanksgiving tips.
It’s definitely something you have to be careful with. My ex basically used to it to financially and emotionally manipulate me.
I think it’s still healthy to an extent. My current conclusion is understand why someone behaves in a way doesn’t excuse it, just informs the actions you should potentially take.
This ties into a lot of the Boomer-hate out there.
Now, I don’t go out of my way to defend people who treat others poorly - I’ve been hurt by the generations before me as much as any Millennial has been. However, realizing just how shitty the parents of Boomers were to them really opened my eyes. My mother’s far from perfect, but her father was strict in a disturbing way. The control that fathers in the 1950/1960s had over their kids (in the US at least) seems to be glossed over nowadays, but in those times Dad was THE authority… and my grandfather personified that attitude.
Questioning what parents said meant “getting the belt” or other corporal punishments. I used to wonder how my mom went so long without examining the ideas she grew up with (for example, the tradition of married women taking their husbands’ names.) But now I can see that, for her generation, asking such questions was pretty much as invitation to a beating. Baby Boomers’ childhoods were soaked in indoctrination and obedience to authority.
It’s no small wonder that when Baby Boomers came of age, they turned around and followed the model they had growing up, except with them “in charge.”
Anyway, long story short: even our grandparents got fucked over long ago, we can all simultaneously be both victims and perpetrators, We Didn’t Start the Fire, yadda yadda.
That you should always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I grew up that turning the other cheek and taking the high road was righteous. It was freeing to realize that even though it might not be 100% someone’s fault; sometimes a racist is a racist, even if they’ve never had the opportunity to broaden their horizon. The alcoholic is choosing not to get help, even if they have a good reason to want to drink. That asshole is an asshole, even if their father beat them as a child.
I hadn’t realized what an emotional burden I’d taken on trying to excuse the bad behavior of others until I came to the realization I needed to stop.
I drink, and there is no help in the US.
Alcoholism isn’t an addiction: truly it is a disease. It starts as a mental issue that then turns physiological.
Then your body stops producing GABA inhibitors.
You see, with smoking, some people quit cold turkey. And that’s fine. But with alcoholism, quitting cold turkey could mean death: Amy Winehouse is an example. It is the culmitive hangover that sends your body into shock.
So to properly detox, it takes about three days of medical attention. They monitor your blood pressure, basically.
But even after release, you require about three more weeks of monitoring. This is the “pink elephant” phase.
My sister stayed with me for the first week, and while I knew she was familiar and I wouldn’t dare say it: I honestly didn’t recognize her. Literally. I had logic to know that I should know her; she was on my couch.
But I honestly just didn’t recognize her.
Now, that was me coming out of my worst point: a fifth and touch on another fifth, chased by 6-8 beers a day.
Thankfully from ASA, I got a chance to clean up. Obamacared!
But while sober, I didn’t have any support once the physiological side was done.
So the mentality that caused the dependence came back.
And this is why groups like AA and NA pair you with a mentor.
The truth is the mentee is also helping the mentor.
So, with another example, I smoke cigarettes. I smoke about a pack a day, if left to my own devices.
I went on a date last week, and she kept me so entertained that in five hours, I only smoked one cigarette. She was a social smoker and bummed one.
I with vocal hesitation gave her one. I really like this woman. I don’t want her to take back up smoking. Greater than my drinking, smoking is the biggest regret of my life.
But she kept me entertained and engaged that I wasn’t wanting whiskey, beer, or cigarettes.
I was happy. I had physiological nags, for sure, but she was removing the actual root cause of my behavior.
I know I have basically written an essay, but my point is that sometimes, in heavily specific arenas, you should give people the benefit of the doubt.
Get them engaged and feel love, and watch those worries just wash away.
And we are going to have dinner on Monday. Wish me luck. She might be my cure, and not leftover thanksgiving tips.
Good luck! May happiness and peace of mind find you regardless of the outcome.
It’s definitely something you have to be careful with. My ex basically used to it to financially and emotionally manipulate me.
I think it’s still healthy to an extent. My current conclusion is understand why someone behaves in a way doesn’t excuse it, just informs the actions you should potentially take.
This ties into a lot of the Boomer-hate out there.
Now, I don’t go out of my way to defend people who treat others poorly - I’ve been hurt by the generations before me as much as any Millennial has been. However, realizing just how shitty the parents of Boomers were to them really opened my eyes. My mother’s far from perfect, but her father was strict in a disturbing way. The control that fathers in the 1950/1960s had over their kids (in the US at least) seems to be glossed over nowadays, but in those times Dad was THE authority… and my grandfather personified that attitude.
Questioning what parents said meant “getting the belt” or other corporal punishments. I used to wonder how my mom went so long without examining the ideas she grew up with (for example, the tradition of married women taking their husbands’ names.) But now I can see that, for her generation, asking such questions was pretty much as invitation to a beating. Baby Boomers’ childhoods were soaked in indoctrination and obedience to authority.
It’s no small wonder that when Baby Boomers came of age, they turned around and followed the model they had growing up, except with them “in charge.”
Anyway, long story short: even our grandparents got fucked over long ago, we can all simultaneously be both victims and perpetrators, We Didn’t Start the Fire, yadda yadda.