Because we are lacking actualization. I will use I statements but there is LOTS of consulting with other men and reflection in this.
I enjoy making my wife and kids happy. I get some satisfaction from compersion. A lot in fact. But that is not primarily for me. I am not filling my own cup as it we’re.
But what I really want is to win women. I want the admiration and loyalty of women. I essentially want a harem. That is a huge ask and not realistic but deep down inside that is what I repress all day every day. I am hardwired to pursue women. I have found this to be true of basically all men in private conversation, whether they verbalize it in those terms or not. It is not politically correct and so crazy to say out loud that the very idea of my true sexuality is essentially a thought crime.
I don’t want monogamy.
I will never be really satisfied by sports or fishing or whittling wood or any of the things that we take on when we retire from life by participating in monogamy.
The grass is always greener it’s true and I think a lot of men have experienced loneliness and are happy to have someone. I have always had an SO and a waiting list. My wife is so incredibly good to me that I just can’t leave to fulfill myself. It’s fucked up honestly and I carry a lot of resentment.
This is just the part you asked about and there are complexities throughout but that’s the gist.
Abusive relationships and mentally ill women are more common than society allows people to admit.
No matter how good the benefits are, people in an abusive relationship can’t truly access them.
You talking to people who have encountered that. It’s truly incomprehensible to people who haven’t experienced it. Hence the wide uncross-able gulf between the two sides.
Just read the comments further down the chain about how people talk about men that express negative views of their wives.
If you don’t want to read the summary is :Those men are lazy trash with issues.
13 years in relationship, 3 years married, my life is better than I ever hoped for and most of it is because of my wife, zero regrets although hardships do happen, its all about the partner you pick
2 decades with my partner yes there are lots of unpleasant parts but sometimes you want someone to hold you and say everything is going to be alright and mean it. Is it incredibly frustrating my partner is asexual? Yes, but ultimately I sleep next to my best friend and know im safe and with someone I can trust.
Not everyone is compatible to be in a happy marriage and not everyone who is compatible is with someone they are compatible with.
There are also some fields that attract a kind of guy who sees himself as a provider for his family first and foremost, leaving his wife to perform the familial labor. This separation of work can lead to some unhappy marriages lasting longer than others.
I’ve been married nearly 20 years. My wife and I have been together for longer than we’ve been apart.
I cannot imagine life without her. And yes we bicker a lot, but I wouldn’t trade our connection and friendship for anything.
Except maybe to be able to talk to the dog.
Same. I adore my wife, fall more in love with her every day we’re together. It’s not always easy, but things that are worth it aren’t. Marriage is the best decision I ever made.
I did get married a little later than some, just had turned 30 the month before we tied the knot. Maybe taking my time and finding the right one helped, not sure. Just knew it was her almost right away.
Because the married men you are talking to are either trash, married to trash, or are not compatible with the person they married or too early into their marriage to tell.
I can’t imagine marrying someone that I didn’t consider a best friend. I adore my wife, and my life is infinitely better with and because of her. Our first couple years were rough, but we’ve both worked to improve. We have each other’s backs, support each other through thick and thin, laugh with each other, and just generally compliment each other’s weaknesses with individual strengths.
I detest wife hating boomer humor because it has never once resonated with me. If you don’t love them and don’t love being with them, why marry or stay married, go be happy elsewhere with someone else.
Preach brother. I remember the first time going to drinks with coworkers when I was young and started dating my eventual wife. Every one of them wife bashed, had to get home to the old ball and chain. Constantly just annoyed with their wives. They would look to me and I’d have to lie about my gf because I didn’t have anything like that.
15 years later and every single one of those guys are divorced. Various factors but I always remember those evenings getting beers. Meanwhile I’m happily married.
You start talking or acting that way and soon the jokes become actual resentment, and once it’s resentment it’s a very hard path back. Over communicate and appreciate your spouse, they should be your best friend, not the person you complain about in a bar. Your boss should provide enough material for that role.
I thought marriage benefited men? Maybe guys who like to get around don’t want to be married, but they could marry a swinger, and still do that. Maybe they are loaded and want to keep it all?
But for two regular people in a heterosexual marriage, in general, men benefit more from the arrangement. Meaning both people do benefit - economy of scale, split work, but generally speaking men gain more than women, the split isn’t even in most cases.
My real guess is that it’s nostalgia for a situation they would not have even if they had not married. They misremember their youth.
If they just mean legal marriage and taxes they have a point. That can be cheaper if you stay unmarried, it depends. We pay more married than we did unmarried because we each were single parents, and our earnings are close to the same amount.
Grass is always greener, innit?
I think everyone is different. Five years married here, 10+ together. I fall more and more in love with my husband year after year which I haven’t heard from a lot of people happening.
My husband has always loved me. We talk about marriage vs single a lot because a lot of our friends still involuntarily single. We dont miss being single and are in a very healthy, strong relationship.
We have our own hobbies, space, etc. But still like to spend a lot of our time together but dont need to. Sex is better and as frequent as the start. I mean, whatever you want from your relationship just communicate it and have someone that matches those preferences, goals, whatever it may be.
Adding. IMO, its better to be single than in a bad/negative relationship though. Marriage or not.
Your health, mentally, socially, etc comes first.
You’re talking to the wrong people. My life got so much better once I got married.
I have a coworker that constantly talks like this, has little good to say about current or past partners, and makes remarks like my decisions are because my wife would be angry if I did things differently. I’m sorry if you treat your spouse like a sex object, a source of money, or a money sink, but that’s on your relationship and choices and has nothing to do with me or mine. To be frank, I think this poster fits him well.
Same, its been 20 years now and even though some times were rough, going through them with my best friend by my side made it so much better!
They’re probably talking to single people, who would say it’s great regardless.
Some people do better single, others in a couple, some in a group.
Doesn’t really matter and try to fit everyone in the same situation just leads to resentment
My life got so much better once I got married
Can you tell me more about that, if you don’t mind?
I hated the games. When the commitment wasn’t there, I always felt like I was acting a certain way just to make my current girlfriend stay around. When I got married, the games stopped. Also, regular sex, not worrying about STDs, someone who was there to talk to all the time, someone to do things with, and someone to share expenses was a great relief. Don’t get me wrong, there were still plenty of rough times, but we’d made a commitment and I knew she’d stick around until we worked things out.
I always felt like I was acting a certain way just to make my current girlfriend stay around.
That is so sad that you felt that way. I never catered to anyone just to keep them around, and I hope you can learn to do so, too (like, actually doing so, not just avoiding romance entirely as a bypass).
Tbh, I was a bit of a jerk. I wouldn’t have wanted to be around me if I acted “natural.”
not just avoiding romance entirely as a bypass
When the only options are players of the game, it may not be by choice.
Can’t speak for them, but it increased my confidence and reduced my depression. But I’ve been married twice and the first one was very much not this. It has to do with the right relationship, not just being in one.
Respectfully, I don’t see anything in your comment correlating how you feel to the marriage vs the general relationship. Do you feel there is a difference?
What I was trying to convey was that being married to the wrong person left me depressed and feeling like a failure. It wasn’t the marriage, it was being with the right person.
Please explain.
Years ago when I told coworkers I got engaged I kept hearing “you’re making a mistake” and “why?” I knew immediately that these dudes were losers that did not value their partner as much as I do. I could not imagine being without my wife. She is my best friend, companion, champion, confidant, partner in life among so many other things. Find the right person to share your life with, marriage is an investment.
I’ve considered it a good thing to get the “You’re making a mistake” pushback for things like marriage and kids. Because it is hard and you do have to give up and lot of things for it, so you had better be damn sure thats what you want.
You should be able to hear that (from certain types of people) and think “what the hell do they know?”. And if you do think “oh, damn, am I making a mistake?” then you should really fully stop and consider that question.
I think it’s easy for people to fall into the traps of thinking marriage and kids are just the next steps in life and things will get better when you’re married. Marriage doesn’t make anything better.
A lot of people say things like “marriage is great, but its a lot of work”. Those are the people that I’m like “really? Sounds like you maybe did make a mistake there” because (and I’m not expert, I’ve only been married once) it’s really easy being married to my wife.
A lot of people say things like “marriage is great, but its a lot of work”. Those are the people that I’m like “really? Sounds like you maybe did make a mistake there” because (and I’m not expert, I’ve only been married once) it’s really easy being married to my wife.
Just wanted to point this out. Life is supposed to be hard , Marriage isn’t supposed to be.
I think there are many reasons.
Some people are legitimately miserable in their marriage because they shouldn’t have gotten married. They married for the wrong reasons, or to the wrong person.
Some people complain about their spouses because they think they have to. They do it like a bonding ritual. If you don’t join in, you get excluded.
Finally, since you say every man you talk to says being single is better, I think it might have something to do with who you’re talking to.
If you were talking to me, I wouldn’t say being single is better. However, I married the right person for the right reasons. I’ve been with my wife for over 39 years and married for 32.
Relationships require a certain degree of maturity from both parties. I know some people who have been married multiple times, and I used to wonder how they had the energy for a second, third, fourth marriage. Then I realized it was because they aren’t putting any effort into the relationships. They weren’t looking for a spouse. They were looking for a substitute mommy or daddy.
I think you’re talking to the wrong people, or you may be taking them too seriously.
Is my wife frustrating? At times.
Would I rather be single? Not even fucking slightly.
Same my wife is my best friend. She’s awesome and very supportive.
Maybe get out more?
I would guess is that the people most vocal about marriage are the ones who are the most unhappy with their marriage.
I wouldn’t know though, I’m not married.
This is true. Happily married people don’t really talk about it all that much. Source: am one
