I’m 42 (TransFemme). I work from home. Have precisely zero close friends and not even any real surface level friends that don’t live 4+ hours away. Acquaintances at best and none I can comfortably call upon when shit goes sideways. I have no family. They all have either passed or, like my original friend group, disowned me about a decade ago when I came out and transitioned. So no one to put on an “In case of emergency” contact form.
Work holds no meaning other than a paycheck. I don’t really feel a desire to improve a billionaire’s bank statement with my hard work.
It feels like I’m just going through the motions. Biding my time until the inevitable. I know I can’t be the only one. Heck some of y’all may even be flourishing after similar situations. For me? Everyday feels more lonely than the last.
How do y’all do it?
(No this isn’t an unalive myself cry for help. Yes I am in regular therapy. I just don’t have any other avenue for asking such things besides publicly here and some other socials)
EDIT to add: I live in very rural US and unfortunately moving is not an option for me at this time or anytime soon.
Build community, somehow, online or in person. Even in rural communities there are other people around, even if you don’t know they exist, even people you can get along with. Go find them.
I’m going to skip over the “find a hobby that gets you outside the house” because I assume you will have thought of this and/or others will elaborate in the comments.
So my attempt at novel advice is not to sleep on online relationships. If your rural community is too small to support a group in your niche interest, find a group online. Be active in the group, asking and contributing, joining and volunteering. You may find it’s still 100:1 people you interact with to people you form any sort of lasting relationship with, but that’s not really any different than IRL.
One of my sister’s longest lasting friendships is with someone she met playing an online Horse Girl^TM game in the 00s. The game has been defunct for a decade, but they stayed friends. They only met in person for the first time when the friend was getting married. You never know when our weirdness vibes with someone else’s weird; it’s a beautiful thing. She values that online-origin friendship just as much as any IRL-origin friendship.
This is the best advice I’ve read so far. Not to diminish others comments as I truly appreciate the time taken on each and every one, but yeah, find a hobby group is like adult loneliness 101
You need a hobby that forces you out of the house and interacting with new people. That’s how you’ll form new friendships and fill your time with things you enjoy.
This is a big part of it. I’m 50, and still skateboard a couple times a week. Sure, they aren’t close friends, but the people I hang out with at the parks give me all the personal interaction I need.
Granted, I am a bit of a hermit by nature.
This is it OP, you need to get out of your comfort zone and mix it up with the people. Choose going to the gym instead of working out at home, choose reading at the cafe instead of at home, take classes, join groups, go to the farmers market, festivals, wherever
Reading out is nice and all but it’s purposely solitary and any considerate person will not approach you while reading. Interaction with other people should be the focus of the activity. Getting outside the comfort zone is the idea though.
Book clubs are the way here. Many have a theme, which can help one determine the type of people likely to be in the club.
if you keep showing up to the same cafe, perhaps youll get conversing with staff before you open the book. every lil bit helps.
Volunteer work is also a good option.
I started programming a couple years back and started going to java meetups. Most meetup groups in my area have many regulars that I know by name now and they know me. They’re not friends, but they’re nice to meet once a month.
The scariest part is pushing for that next step to be friends. Meeting outside the club and then actually getting to know each other, being vulnerable with people.
This right here. I met a lot of cool people after joining a couple groups related to my hobby.
DnD and Discord/Revolt video game groups.
I’m an introvert though so I’m okay just being on my own.
My husband and I (M), in our mid 40s, feel the same. We used to have tons of friends in our 20s and 30s but they’ve all gone everywhichway and we can’t seem to make any new friendships stick. They all die on the vine at good acquaintance. It’s not for lack of trying. And WE live in a city! Anyway, all this to say: it’s not just you. I think society has changed its social bonding. I suspect we have shifted dramatically during the pandemic and outer relationships aren’t an interest to general society anymore. We put in our effort and have good social interactions with others but we seem to be the only ones trying. I don’t know how this will help, except: you’re not alone? 💜
It ain’t easy. I’ve found this quote from CS Lewis to be true
“Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”
In other words, friendships are often about or around something. Work friends. Gaming friends. Etc. it’s 100000x easier to talk about something with a stranger and allow more personal things to trickle in.
I was just at PAX West and was waiting in line for an hour. The guy in front of me cracked a joke and I laughed and played along. I asked him if he attended cons a lot. Which led to ones he’d been to and favorite ones which led to the developers who had the best booths to favorite games to favorite movies. We chatted for an hour about stuff we liked. We had lots of similar interests in gaming, movies, etc.
This is where you need to have some interests to talk about and if you don’t, then you need to find some. Hiking, gaming, puzzles, whatever.
Don’t discount online friends too. Find a discord about something you like and just start participating
What about feelings? Shared values? Sadness over loved ones’ who have passed? Worry about the destiny of humanity? Don’t we already share a lot simply as human beings? 😅
Yes, of course. I’m just saying at the beginning of a friendship it often forms around something you both do or enjoy
I don’t deal with it all that well. I mostly spend my days taking naps due to depression.
I shitpost comments all over Lemmy whenever I feel lonely.
I was in the same boat 8 or so years ago, when I first started transitioning, and what I did was find local groups for things I liked on Meetup.com and joined them. I also started attending conversions for things I liked too, if your area hosts any.
At a local anime convention, I met a gaming group which I liked and joined and would eventually meet my current partner in. I had also joined a local board gaming group which is where I met one of my closest friends who was also in a similar alone situation and we ended up bonding because of that and our shared interests.
This is a good suggestion. I’m 59 and like OP moved to a very rural area of the USA. Other than my wife, I had no social outlet at all. Meetup.com failed me though, because I’m in a profoundly rural area. There was literally nothing of interest to me within 50 miles on the site. On the other hand, my quest did lead me to a gaming lounge about 1/2 an hour from home and a group of people to get together and play RPGs and board games with.
While, I don’t go to them, my local comic book shop does nightly events on rotation across multiple CCGs (MtG, Pokemon TCG, Lorcana) Tabletop night and a board game night. Also another good option if there is a comic book store in your area.
How do y’all do it?
In a sort of similar boat in the sense of no friends, not really an active social life and for now, work means nothing but getting the money (will change in a year though when I quit for a new job). Plus having OCD and social anxiety (diagnosed by a specialist).
I keep myself busy with things, I like: Gaming, reading books/ manga, tv shows and anime. I’m also trying to get myself into a bit of different things such as learning a language (isn’t going well though) or trying to educate myself more into things I find interesting.
I don’t live rural and I imagine the conservative bent makes the trans femmeness that much harder.
One thing I haven’t seen here though is volunteering. Doing good with other people is a pretty way to get to know people.
In my province, our rural areas practically beg people to volunteer as firefighters (for us, rural generally means the woods) and from every chat I’ve had with someone doing that, it seems very social.
If there are any Democrat offices etc, they love volunteers.
Hope those kinda help? Good luck!
Wife is basically disabled. When she goes I’ll probably do the same. Happiness is hard to find in this USA of today.
I wouldn’t say it was unusual to have fewer friends as you age. Plenty of people seem happy spending time by themselves or with their partner.
That said, I’ve noticed in my 30s that some friends who’ve coupled up (some with new families tbf), are pulling out of more social plans or generally seeming less interested in hanging out. I think they are making a mistake there: friends are way easier to make in your 20s/30s and you need to tend to friendships to keep them alive.
Yeah it’s completely normal, especially because most people this age have multiple kids that take up most of their free time. People move, change jobs, die, etc and also just don’t have the time to maintain many friendships. It’s normal.
According to most studies the majority of adults have between 1-4 close friends. If you don’t make friends with workmates, even if they’re just “workday friends”, you’ve basically got a few hours on Saturday and Sunday to develop and maintain friendships, and it’s hard when everyone has commitments.
I am in your friends position… between a rough pregnancy and being overwhelmed with being a new parent, I dropped off the social radar for almost two full years. Reconnecting was a bit weird, but totally doable.
I wouldn’t worry about it too much if you just haven’t seen people for a while. I’ve got friends I see <1 time a year but we pick up where we left off.
I was maybe grumbling on the downlow there about a couple who have become quite flaky and keep cancelling on my partner and I at the last minute. Try to avoid doing that too often!
As you get less time you quickly learn to stop inviting people like that, as it’s not worth your time chasing them. If they want to see you they will reach out and make the effort. If they don’t then you have your answer.
Same here, we have twins and it has taken every ounce of energy to keep everything going.
A lot of friendships have suffered over the last 2 years. I am slowly trying to get back to people and catch up. It’s fine with most, but i fear some may have just moved on.
It’s easy, I hate most people. :)
Seriously though, social stuff never interested me. Leave me alone with my books, my tech, and my cats. Don’t really need anything else.
I make an exception for family, and cooking, and stuff like that, but in general? I’m happy to stay at home.
I had a shitty abusive childhood with zero social contact, so I never really learned how to have friends, or thus how to need or really derive much fulfilment from them; all my emotional needs and regulation had to come from within, and I am the part of a person that’s left when all the bits that can’t survive that are gone.
I got out of there eventually, but by that time it had kind of grown over; I eventually learned to be (slightly) social, but honestly it’s a bunch of work for empty calories; I can spend the whole weekend’s time/energy/spoons on some group activity but don’t get to recharge and it’s like not getting a weekend at all.
so in answer to your question I do a lot of hiking.
